Escape
by SamLani
Summary: Set after New Moon, Bella struggles when Jacob imprints. Join her as she muddies through difficult relationships, friendships and tragedies. No one pairing because her love life can't be that simple! Rating is for language and lemons (which I tried to keep tasteful) This story is now complete and a sequel will be in the works soonish! Enjoy!
1. Almost Forever

**Chapter One: Almost Forever**

_A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes  
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind  
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out  
You left me in the dark  
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight  
In the shadow of your heart_

"_Cosmic Love" by Florence and the Machine_

I cried. It seemed like the easiest thing to do given the impossible situation I was in. Edward was gone. I could live with that part. I had been living with it for close to three years now. Despite the odds stacked against me I had fallen in love again-this time with my best friend. Jake had always kept the nightmares at bay. Jake with his tender hands and sunshine smile; Jake who was no longer mine.

Raven. Even her name sounded exotic. I had seen her numerous times while hanging out on the reservation with the "wolf pack". She was like the native version of Angelina Jolie, down to her curves and big pouty lips. And despite a promise of forever, the imprint had drawn Jake to her while I stood helplessly by. I wanted to hate her but she didn't deserve it. Her life had now changed forever too.

"You should never let someone see you cry," Paul said dropping to the pebbly beach beside me.

"Until two seconds ago I was alone," I pointed out.

"Point taken," he said. "Are you okay?" I shrugged.

"Do I have a choice to not be?" I asked. He shrugged too.

"I wouldn't be," he said.

"Why are you being so damn nice?" I asked suspiciously. Paul and I usually fought like cats and dogs. He was obnoxious and I was the only person who called him out on that fact.

"Hard to be an asshole to someone who is crying," he said.

"If you say so," I said. "Now run back to Sam and tell him I'm not catatonic yet." He didn't move.

"I fucking hate imprinting," he said instead. I looked over in surprise. His tone was vicious and angry. "It takes people's choices away from them. Do you think Jake would have looked twice at her if he had the choice? No, he wouldn't have."

"It's supposed to be rare," I offered. He shrugged.

"Makes no difference for me," he said. "I'm only half Quileute. I won't imprint. I just get to watch everyone else fall apart."

"Congratulations?" I asked sarcastically. He smirked.

"Damn right, congratulations," he said smugly. "I can look at any girl I want and not have to worry about some cosmic bullshit imprint."

"Thanks for bragging. Now fuck off," I snapped. He smirked again.

"You need to learn to stop caring so much Swan," he offered. "You're free too. You just don't know it yet." I snorted.

"As free as someone can be with a vengeful vampire breathing down her neck and a pack of wolves who barely let someone pee alone," I snapped.

"Then go to your mom," he said. "Tell Charlie you need a break and go to college in Florida. Find yourself away from all of this bullshit. Get the hell away while you still can."

His words made me think for days. Could I really get away from this? Could I really be normal or was that impossible? The sixty seven missed calls from Jake on my cell phone were what finally made the decision before me. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to have to pretend like it was okay that he broke my heart just because some sort of destiny had stepped in. In Florida I could grieve like a normal person, without someone watching my every move. I approached the subject gingerly with Charlie.

"So Dad, it's summer and all," I said. He grunted and looked up from the paper. "I think maybe I should go stay with Mom for a few months."

"What about school?" He asked. "Don't you have your summer schedule set up already?"

"I could take the same classes down in Florida," I said. "I just need to get away…from Jake." I had finally said it, and it caught Charlie's attention.

"I thought you two were solid," he said. _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry_ I chanted inside my head.

"He met someone else," I said. I was proud of myself for not crying even though my voice caught slightly at the end of the short sentence. Charlie frowned.

"When?" He asked. I shrugged.

"He told me a few days ago," I said. "Dad, Florida?" I prompted. He sighed.

"I'll look at flights on the computer at the station," he said. "Internet is faster there."

Sam was irate when he discovered my decision. There wasn't much he could do other than warn me to call if I saw any vampires. Paul had given me a grin and a thumbs up and Jake had shaken his head sadly. I was ready to leave. I needed to be away. Paul was right. That had to happen sometime I guess, odds and all. Charlie had been remarkably calm about the whole thing, but I would hazard a guess that he was just glad I wasn't falling apart after a break up again. Each new plan brought me closer to freedom and further away from my broken heart.


	2. A Little Bit Stronger

**Chapter Two: A Little Bit Stronger**

_It doesn't happen overnight_

_Then you turn around a month's gone by_

_And you realize you haven't cried_

_I'm not giving you an hour_

_Or another second or another minute longer_

_I'm busy getting stronger. _

"_A Little Bit Stronger" by Leighton Meester (Country Strong)_

"How you feeling baby?" Renee asked as I packed my suitcases for my return to Washington. I shrugged.

"We'll see once I get back," I said. "But I do have to go back. My tuition is only covered by Charlie's police thing in state." She sighed.

"I already told you that Phil would…" she let her voice trail off at my dark look. I would not let Phil pay my way through college. I wasn't his responsibility just because he married my mother.

"I can't run from my problems forever," I said instead of starting that argument again.

"How the hell did you get so responsible?" She joked flinging her arm around my shoulder and clutching me in close. "You sure as hell didn't learn that from me."

"Charlie!" We said in unison and both laughed. My very crabby, very thrifty and very responsible father was definitely more like me than my scatterbrained, devil-may-care mother.

"And if you see Jake," she began hesitantly.

"More like when," I interrupted trying to zip my bulging suitcase. "Kind of an inevitability given the small town life."

"Are you going to be okay?" She asked. "Seeing them together I mean." I lifted one shoulder and then dropped it.

"Mom I will have to be," I said. "I can't keep falling apart when bad things happen. Shit happens. I need to bounce more. Like you." I gave up and threw my weight onto the suitcase while Renee zipped it up. She cupped my face with both hands.

"Don't be too much like me," she said. Her blue eyes, so unlike mine, crinkled at the corners. "You have a special heart. Don't give it to just anyone the way I used to." I leaned into her touch a little and closed my eyes for a second.

"How do I know if he's the right person?" I asked.

"He'll fight for you," she answered. "Not literally of course. But if Jake had been the right person for you he would have fought his own destiny to keep you in his life. Let him come to you baby. You've earned a little pursuing."

I thought about her statement on the plane ride home. Guys had just always sort of been there if I wanted them. Edward first and then Jake. I never really had fallen for someone slowly. I was either completely out or all the way in. Both relationships felt real, like they were supposed to happen, but still I was alone. Maybe I would stay that way, like Charlie. He'd never remarried after my mother and rarely dated. He was just okay being alone. I wondered vaguely if it was easier. _You have a special heart_. Renee's words rang in my head and I sighed. Special as it might be, it wasn't less broken.

"Swan!" A deep voice called as I sat at baggage claim waiting for my three suitcases. Paul came into view and lifted me off my feet.

"Holy crap you got tan!" He said setting me on my feet. He tipped my chin up with one finger and looked into my eyes steadily. "And stronger too I see." I slapped his hands away and he laughed.

"The purple ones," I said pointing to the conveyer belt. He rolled his eyes but hauled each of them easily off the belt.

"Slave driver," he complained but he was grinning.

"So you drew the short stick?" I asked as we hauled the suitcases to his vintage blue mustang. He shrugged.

"Sam asked and I said sure," he said. "Everyone has been pretty busy this summer."

"How many more panties dropped at your feet?" I asked teasingly as we started to slowly wind our way out of Seattle. He grinned.

"A few," he said. "You?" I shook my head.

"I mostly read on the beach, drank the Mai-Tai's my mom made me and listened to my Ipod," I said.

"Boring," he said making a face. "I thought for sure you would have some sort of summer fling with the pool boy or something." I laughed.

"They live on the beach. The ocean doesn't have a pool boy," I pointed out. He made a face.

"Life guard then," he improvised.

"I wanted to keep it boy free," I said. A slow grin spread across his face and I smacked his arm. "Shut it, you."

"I didn't say anything," he said but his hazel eyes sparkled. I found, with some shock, that I had missed Paul. It was probably because, unlike the others, he never tried to coddle me. When he was supposed to patrol my house he would either phase and hang out like a normal person or give me more space than he was supposed to. I studied him from the corner of my eye as he drove. Paul certainly was handsome enough with his high native cheekbones and smoky hazel eyes. But there was a confidence in the way he moved that many people lacked. He was comfortable in his own skin.

"How is everyone?" I asked impulsively. He shrugged.

"Sam and Emily are good. You know how solid they are. Kim is driving Jared up the wall with wedding planning stuff. Leah still hates everyone. Jake…well he is fine," Paul answered.

"I'm glad," I said quietly. "Despite what happened he should be happy." Paul glanced over.

"You look different," he said after a minute. "Healthier maybe. Can't put my finger on it."

"It's the tan," I said. "And I put on a little bit of muscle. Phil runs on the beach every morning, you know as part of conditioning, and I started going with him."

"How far you guys go?" He asked. I shrugged.

"I would say about five miles. But that's in the sand. Different than running on the sidewalk," I said slightly defensively.

"Well it looks good on you Swan," he said with a lazy grin. "The pack is barely going to recognize you."


	3. Back to Life

**Chapter Three: Back to Life**

_Sing this song with me _

_And you will never be sad or alone _

_On the road or at home _

_Sing along with me _

_And your eyes will see what your ears hear _

_And that's our voices, my dear_

"_Our Voices" by Matthew Barber_

Paul drove me straight into a trap. Instead of driving me into town, to Charlie's house, he drove straight into La Push. And straight into a surprise, welcome back Bella bonfire. I could have shot him as he smirked smugly at me. Kim pretty much attached herself to me and babbled on and on about bridesmaid dresses (apparently I was elected to be one?), sex with Jared (gross) and how boring the reservation had been all summer. Leah took pity on me and slipped me a beer when Sam wasn't looking (I wouldn't be 21 for a whole week yet) and I sipped it while only half listening to Kim's babble.

The breath left my lungs when my eyes rested on Jake. He was talking seriously to Quil and Embry, arm draped casually around Raven's tiny waist, and her face glowed as she laughed. I couldn't help but think, rather bitterly, that he used to hold me in the same way. His eyes met mine and I saw the laughter drain from his eyes. I looked away quickly, back to Kim who was now describing my bridesmaid's dress (in red of course!) in vivid detail.

"…originally was going to have you walking with Jake, he's Jared's best man you know but I switched it around so you'll walk with Paul now," she was saying.

"You don't have to change anything for me," I protested. She waved it away.

"It will look better that way anyhow. Otherwise you'd be crossing the maid of honor on the way back down the aisle," she said. "But we have to get you in for a fitting! The red is going to look spectacular on you but I wasn't sure of your sizing…" and she was off again. A warm touch on my back alerted me to Paul's presence. If he hadn't been holding a beer for me I might have slugged him. I settled for a death glare.

"You should have warned me," I hissed. He popped the top off the beer and handed it to me.

"Why? So you could jump out of the car as we sped over here?" He challenged. We were interrupted by Kim's squeal. We both jumped as she clapped her hands together.

"See you two look so much better next to each other, no offense to Jake. My wedding pictures are going to be perfect!" She squealed. Then giving each of us a hug she bounced over to Jared. Paul and I exchanged baffled looks and then burst out laughing.

"I don't get weddings," Paul said when we finally stopped laughing. "You spend thousands of dollars on the dress, the photographer, the flowers and whatever hell else you have at the wedding. Basically just to take pictures and drink."

"And dance," I reminded him. "Chicken dance even." We laughed again.

"But seriously ever since you and Jake broke up she kept saying how he was too tall for you anyway. None of us could figure out what the hell she was talking about. But I get it now, for the pictures you know," he said. I held up my beer bottle.

"To being short," I declared. We clinked bottles and drank.

"You're lucky she isn't dragging you to try on the dress now," Jared said. He gave me a quick hug. "Looking better I see."

"Thanks," I said. "How have you been?" He smirked.

"Just riding the wedding craze wave," he said. "I will say I can't wait until it is all done. My head is seriously spinning with shit I never wanted to know about weddings."

"Like the chicken dance," I said helpfully. As we all laughed Kim bounded back over.

"You should try on your dress!" She exclaimed. I was barely able to pass my beer over to Paul as she dragged me straight for the house.

"Who is the maid of honor?" I asked as she shoved me into a bedroom.

"Me," Raven said coming up behind me. I stiffened but fought the urge to bolt.

"And the other bridesmaids?" I asked. Kim flipped through the closet.

"Emily and Leah," she said. "Best man is Jake, groomsmen are Paul, Sam and Embry. Strip down Swan." She reminded me too much of Alice to argue so I stripped to my skivvies. She handed me what was, I hated to admit it, but a gorgeous red dress. It was silky and flowed on the fingers like water.

"Pretty," I commented as I stepped into it. I had almost forgotten Raven was in the room until her hands zipped the back of the dress for me. "Thank you," I said softly.

"It will need some adjusting," Kim said. "But I guessed pretty close. You put on a little weight but it worked for us. Your boobs look amazing."

"Uh…thanks?" I said.

"I would suggest having your mom adjust the straps a little," Raven said. She tugged them gently. "They'll fall down all day."

"What do you think?" Kim asked studying the dress critically. It cascaded softly down to my feet, which Kim informed me would be in heels (sigh). Raven stepped back and studied me too. I felt a little bit like a piece of meat but I endured the treatment.

"I would say take it in about an inch on the straps and another inch around the hips," Raven answered. "It will show off her waist a little more. And maybe a little tighter around the hips too? God I would kill for her figure." Shock filled me. The woman who would essentially become my ex-boyfriend's wife was jealous of my figure.

"Right?" Kim said. "Tiny little waist, perky little boobs." I covered my ears as I blushed.

"Okay can we be done talking about me now?" I asked loudly. They both laughed and I found myself, very much against my will, liking Raven. She reminded me a lot of Jake, actually. They had the same sunny, self-assured personality.

"Okay perky tits," Kim quipped as she unzipped me.


	4. Weddings and Revelations

**Chapter Four: Weddings and Revelations**

_Oh, if I could go back in time  
When you only held me in my mind  
Just a longing gone without a trace  
Oh, I wish I'd never ever seen your face  
I wish you were the one  
Wish you were the one that got away_

"_The One That Got Away" by The Civil Wars_

"Son of a bitch," I swore for the thousandth time as my heel got caught in the cobblestone walk. It was an hour until the wedding and I still hadn't been able to successfully walk the length of the path to the wedding arch. I smiled vaguely at someone passing by me to get to their seat further down the path before making my way, carefully, back to where Kim was hyperventilating into a paper bag. Raven caught my eye and rolled hers. I suppressed a grin and rubbed Kim's back.

"Give her a Xanax," Kim's mom, Judy Aterea, suggested.

"Oh if I had one," Raven said loud enough for only me to hear. "You'll mess up your makeup," she said to Kim. That got Kim's face away from the paper bag very quickly. We all exchanged grins.

"Let's get her into her dress," I suggested. "It's getting close." Forty-five minutes later a much more tranquil Kim waited with her father behind the church doors while the rest of us paired off. Paul looked shockingly handsome in a cream colored suit and red tie. He took my elbow gently to line us up behind Jake and Raven. I still hadn't spoken to Jake since the break up, even though I grew closer by the day to Raven.

"You look incredible," Paul said directly into my ear. He was quiet but Jake still shot a glance backward. Raven it turned out ran the local beauty salon. She had tamed my hair into controlled curls, gathered it with all kinds of pins to one side and it cascaded down my left shoulder. Leah had taken over the task of doing makeup from a hung over friend of Kim's. My eyes were heavily smoky and my lips matched my dress almost precisely.

"Don't let me trip," I hissed at Paul as the piano player started up the music. Just like Kim the choice wasn't conventional, but she had kept it fairly classic. "Only Hope" by Mandy Moore, minus the vocals, played lightly in the wind.

"It'd make for a funny story," he whispered back just as Jake and Raven made their way down the aisle. I couldn't help but think it was a bit of a trial run for them.

"Our turn," I said forcing my lips into some semblance of a smile. I slipped my hand into the crook of Paul's arm and we made our way to the arch. Luckily, I didn't even come close to tripping and took my place, rather gracefully, next to Raven. The ceremony went by in a blur for me. I held my small bouquet of wildflowers and tried not to cry when Jared got choked up during his vows. Then came all of the pictures. Honestly how many pictures did you really need. The wedding party. The couple. Then the couple and the wedding party. Then Jake and Raven. Me and Paul. Leah and Embry. Emily and Sam. Just the guys. Just the girls. I lost track of how many different poses were taken. At the end of it, I felt like I had run a marathon.

"Can I take my heels off?" I hissed at Kim as we filed into the ballroom for the reception.

"Do it and die," she threatened with a smile. I sighed and took my seat between Paul and Sam. Dinner was some sort of chicken, which was pretty good, and plenty of wine which I could now legally drink. I would need to be tipsy enough for the dancing I had been informed I was not exempt from. Luckily there were a few dances after dinner that didn't require my attention.

"All my girls on the floor please," Kim demanded in surround sound. I jumped.

"Jesus Christ who gave her a mic?" Raven asked and we all laughed. I bounced around obligatorily to "Single Ladies" by Beyonce with the other bridesmaids and then hightailed it for the bar. I downed a vodka cranberry while the guys did some ridiculous dance to a song I didn't know. Paul looked about as miserable as I felt.

"I need the wedding party on the floor," The DJ said. Oh thank god he took the microphone away from Kim. When "Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran came through the speakers I breathed a sigh of relief. Kim had been very tight lipped about her music suggestions and I was afraid I would end up looking like an idiot trying to Harlem shake or something equally ridiculous. Paul held me carefully, very proper ballroom and I suppressed a smirk.

"What?" He asked. I shrugged.

"I never thought you were the ballroom type," I said.

"Kim made us all take lessons," he said. "It was ridiculous but apparently I am a natural at the waltz." The music shifted and he passed me off to Sam on the right. I stumbled slightly in surprise and Sam steadied me.

"Kim didn't warn you guys about this?" Sam asked. He was graceful but not as smooth as Paul had been. "We had to practice this shit." I laughed.

"No warning," I said.

"Next partner," he said spinning me slightly. Embry caught me squarely and we laughed as I stepped on his shoe.

"It was bound to happen," Embry said wryly.

"It would hurt less if Kim had let me go barefoot," I grumbled.

"Very true. Last partner," he said as I felt a familiar hand pull me in. It was Jake. I hadn't had the chance to think that far ahead yet.

"You look good Bells," he said quietly. He held me close with practiced familiarity that made my heart ache slightly.

"Thanks," I said softly. "Apparently I can tan. Who knew?" He laughed.

"The dress suits you," he said. "Raven said it would but I wasn't sure with your skin."

"She's got a great eye," I said. I could do this. I could get through this dance. I could be civil and not think about how before if we were this close we were kissing. I could do this.

"Have to in her line of work," he said. "When do you head back to school?" He asked.

"I graduated early," I said. "They had an accelerated summer program. I start my internship next week." Before he could ask any more questions the song ended and I stepped away quickly. Paul was already at the bar when I got there.

"What can I get for you?" The bartender asked.

"White wine is fine," I said leaning into the bar.

"So you survived that," Paul said. He sipped a glass with amber liquid in it.

"Barely," I said. "Thanks," I said to the bartender when he slid a glass of white wine across the bar at me. I took a sip.

"Shit the garter toss," Paul said. He swallowed the remainder of his drink and hauled ass to the dance floor. Kim was blushing as Jared slid a rose encrusted garter down her thigh. I made my way back to my seat and sighed with relief to give my abused feet a rest. A minute later everyone filed back to the table, laughing at Jake's red face as he dangled the garter from one finger.

"He aimed it at me," Jake claimed. "I call bullshit."

"His eyes were closed," Sam said. He shoved the garter into the front pocket of his suit. "Wear it proud my friend." Someone pressed a cold shot glass between my fingers. I looked to my left and saw Paul with a similar glass.

"Tequila makes the sappiness easier to take," he whispered. I downed the shot and tried not to choke as the alcohol burned my lungs. Six forced group dances later, one of them the dreaded chicken dance, I had to agree. The tequila made it more bearable to deal with the smiling happy couples around me.

"All right guys it's the last dance of the night. Pick your partner and make your way to the floor," the DJ proclaimed. Finally I was free. I jumped when a bronze hand appeared in front of my face. Paul held his hand out steadily. I raised one eyebrow.

"You can't be the only bridesmaid not dancing," he teased. I took his hand and followed him to the dance floor. He clasped me more firmly to his body this time, cradling our clasped hands to his chest.

"I love this song," I sighed as "The Lady in Red" by Chris DeBurgh radiated from the speakers.

"This song is why you guys are wearing red dresses," Paul said. "Kim loves it." Hesitantly I let my cheek rest on his shoulder. I let my eyes close as we moved gracefully around to the beautiful song. I opened my eyes to meet Paul's. He was watching me steadily, his gaze unguarded for once. A bright flash disrupted the moment in time and I found myself wanting to punch the photographer. A moment later the music ended. Paul released me reluctantly and I found myself just as reluctant to move away. What the hell was going on here?

"I have to go deal with the bouquet toss," I blurted out only a second before I bolted.


	5. Once More, With Feeling

**Chapter Five: Once More, With Feeling**

_I don't mind spending everyday_

_Out on your corner in the pouring rain_

_Look for the girl with the broken smile_

_Ask her if she wants to stay awhile_

_And she will be loved, she will be loved. _

"_She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5_

"You can't drive home Swan," Paul argued as I swung my keys on one finger and looked for my car with pursed lips. My heels had been long abandoned and I saw with some confusion that Paul was holding them.

"It's blue," I muttered searching the lot for the blue Dodge Caliber Charlie had surprised me with as a reward for completing my degree early. He claimed I had saved him at least what the car was worth in tuition. "Hey!" I complained as my keys were snatched from my finger. Paul held them up triumphantly.

"You've had way too much to drink to be driving," he said. "I'll take you home."

"Give me my keys Paul. I'll call a damn cab," I snapped.

"What crawled up your ass and died?" He asked. "You were fine a half an hour ago."

"He smiled at her," I said vaguely. "It was my smile." Paul frowned.

"I thought you worked all that shit out," he said. He found my car and shoved my shoes in the backseat.

"Me too," I said. "You know what Kim's cousin said? She said I should go to a bar and pick someone up. According to her sex would get it all out of my system." He shushed me.

"God you're loud when you're drunk," he said smiling and waving at an elderly couple who had stopped to stare at the scene.

"Not drunk," I argued. "Bartender Joe said it would take an hour for the shots to hit."

"Bartender Joe is 300 pounds doll. You're a buck five soaking wet," he said ruefully. "I can't take you home to Charlie like this. You're a fucking mess."

"But I look hot," I retorted popping my hip out and clasping it with my hand. He muttered something in another language, which must have been Quileute, but I was too preoccupied to care.

"Come on devil woman," he said helping me into the passenger's seat of my car. "You can sleep it off on my couch."

That's where I woke up, disoriented, six hours later. I was still in my red dress but someone had taken the pins out of my hair because my curls were currently trying to suffocate me. My mouth tasted like lime and tequila. I stood and carefully made my way to what looked like a bathroom. Success! I used a washcloth to scrub most of the makeup from my face and then rinsed out my mouth.

"There's a towel under the sink if you want to shower," Paul's voice came through the closed door and I jumped. I turned the knob and he stood leaning in the doorway. He had on black sweatpants that hung dangerously low on his narrow, muscled hips. Sonuvabitch was I drooling?

"I have no clothes to change into," I said. "But I think I'm sober enough to head home now."

"It's 4 AM Swan," Paul said. "You can borrow a pair of my boxers and a shirt. I'll leave them outside the door. Go shower. You'll feel better." He was definitely right. My head felt clearer after washing my hair and standing under the steamy spray. True to his word Paul had left boxers and a huge black shirt outside the door for me. I braided my hair quickly once I was dressed and padded barefoot back to the couch where Paul was waiting. Still shirtless. Still mouth wateringly, sinfully delicious looking.

"You look more alive," he said handing me a cup of steaming tea. I sniffed it and sighed when I smelled peppermint.

"Feeling pretty stupid," I said. He shrugged.

"No one really saw you," he offered. "Except that old couple and I have no idea who they were." I cupped the tea between my palms.

"Thanks for not letting me drive," I said. He nodded.

"Public service really," he said. I smiled.

"Look I didn't mean to unload on you like that," I said. "It won't happen again."

"It's fine," he said. "It was refreshing to see you tell the truth for once. You hide what you are feeling pretty well." I looked away.

"I wouldn't have gone to a bar and picked someone up," I said. He grinned.

"I don't think at the time you even knew where a bar was. You couldn't even find your car which by the way was only one of three left in the lot," he said. I groaned.

"Random stranger sex isn't the solution to my problems," I said.

"Knowing your luck Swan you'd end up picking up another leech," he said. I took a sip of the tea. It settled my stomach slightly.

"I have the worst instincts when it comes to the opposite sex," I said thoughtfully. "First Edward and then Jake, who I should have known better with."

"Because of imprinting?" He asked. I sighed.

"Because when we kissed there weren't fireworks," I said. "It sounds lame, I know. Kissing him was nice. Comfortable. Maybe it shouldn't have been."

"He didn't feel the same," Paul said suddenly. I set my mug carefully on the coffee table. "It was in his thoughts you know. He adored you. Your kisses meant everything to him at the time." I shrugged.

"It doesn't matter now," I said. "Charlie and I are the same. Maybe I should just be alone."

"I don't believe for a minute you were meant to be alone," Paul said. "I think you just look for the wrong things in a relationship." I met his eyes for a brief second and then looked down.

"Like what?" I asked.

"You look for comfort and companionship and these idyllic days that don't exist. You should be looking for fire and passion; someone who heats your blood and sets your nerves on fire," he said.

"Maybe you're looking for the wrong things," I teased. He smiled wryly.

"You should know by now Swan that I don't do relationships," he said. "So I'm not looking for any of that."

"You're just looking for someone who is going to drop her panties when you smile," I said. He grinned broadly.

"Life is simpler that way," he said. "For me at least." I picked up my tea and drained the mug.

"Someday Paul a girl is going to say no to you," I predicted.

"You said no," he said.

"You never asked," I pointed out.

"You were pretty wrapped up in Jake at the time," he countered. "Pretty much a guaranteed no. Like asking Emily to sleep with me."

"No, I just have class," I argued. "Panty dropping smiles don't work on me."

"I've never used one on you," he said. "One day I will and you'll see."

"And I'll be the first to say no," I predicted. "And you won't know what to do."


	6. New

**Chapter Six-New**

_Don't lose your faith in me  
And I will try not to lose faith in you  
Don't put your trust in walls  
Cause walls will only crush you when they fall_

"_Be Here Now" by Ray Lamontagne_

"Bella can you get these to Ray before noon?" My coworker, Amber, asked. She set a file on my desk and leaned onto the surface. I glanced through the file and nodded.

"The editing is minor," I said. "I'll do after I'm done setting up his travel." I had been working at Roth Publishing, a small publisher just outside of Port Angeles for six months. It was hard work but I liked working there. I was still only an assistant but occasionally I helped with editing as well.

"Two whole weeks off," she said twisting her curly red hair into a knot on top of her head. "Whatever will we do?" I teased.

"Watch Netflix and have so much sex," she said. I grinned. Amber was dating one of the guys who worked at the security desk in the building, Rodney I think his name was.

"I'll stick with the Netflix," I said. I confirmed the flight and opened the document I needed to edit.

"No hot dates?" She asked. I shrugged.

"With my remote maybe," I said.

"What about that hot guy that comes by with lunch sometimes…Peter is it?" She asked, her green eyes slightly unfocused as she tried to remember his name.

"Paul," I said. "He's just a friend. We're watching _Teen Wolf_ at my place tonight." Paul would never admit it, but he adored teen drama television shows.

"I'd tap that," she said frankly as I made corrections in the document.

"You and everyone else with a pulse," I said. She grinned.

"You know it," she said. "You still coming to Red next Friday?" She asked. Red was a club near work where everyone gathered for drinks once a week. I shook my head.

"Nope," I said. "I have to go dress shopping with a friend." She stuck her tongue out at me and then laughed.

"You're boring. Thanks for the help!" She said. Then Hurricane Amber, as I referred to her in my head, left for her own office. Twenty minutes later I was pulling out of the parking lot at work. Ray had sent me home due to my massive overtime acquirement. My apartment was only a few blocks from work. It was a nice, three bedroom apartment on the top floor with vaulted ceilings that made the space look more open than it was. To my surprise Paul was waiting on my couch.

"You're early," I said tossing my keys onto a small table and stepping out of my black pumps.

"So are you," he remarked. "Got off patrol early and you have better food than my house."

"Go grocery shopping," I challenged. "Be right back." I changed from my work formal into a more casual outfit of yoga pants and a tank top that said "Forks PD" on the front in white letters.

"You buy better food," he said taking a sip of his favorite beer which I usually kept in the fridge. I poured myself a glass of white wine and curled up on the couch.

"Seriously we are like the most boring people ever," I remarked twelve hours later as we finished the season on Netflix. It was well past midnight.

"Hey speak for yourself," he said. "The guys and I are going clubbing tomorrow."

"Where you will get lucky and then end up at the free clinic again," I teased. Four months prior he had begged a ride to the clinic from me, fearing the teasing of the others, because he had taken some "performance enhancers" and his erection wouldn't fade.

"That needle was big," he snapped. "You didn't see it."

"And thank god for that. Next time don't try those samples they show on TV," I said.

"If you would just sleep with me I wouldn't have to go clubbing," he teased.

"I'm holding out for a hero," I quoted. He yawned.

"Footloose," he said. "Too easy."

"Hey I worked all day," I said poking him with my toe. That prompted a tickle battle which ended when we fell off the couch and I landed on top of him with a loud thump. I silently apologized to my downstairs neighbors and begged for mercy.

"I'll end it for a kiss," he bargained. I hesitated. He took advantage of my momentary distraction to flip us so I was now beneath him. My body responded to his closeness, nipples pebbling against my shirt and the hair on my arms raising slightly.

"If you get a kiss you have to declare me tickle champion of the universe," I said. He pinned my arms above my head effortlessly, one hand holding both of my wrists.

"For that title…three kisses and I get to see your boobs," he said. His closeness was both intoxicating and unsettling. He'd never been quite so forward with me before, mostly kept it to cracking inappropriate jokes.

"Two kisses and one boob," I said. He lowered his face until his lips were right above mine.

"Done," he whispered. It had been close to a year since anyone last kissed me. Paul's lips brushed mine with a gentleness I didn't know he possessed. He kissed me slowly; thoroughly even as I wiggled my wrists in vain to get free. "One," he whispered when our lips parted. I opened my mouth to argue but he covered my mouth with his again.

This kiss was ferocious and wild and passionate. It was all I could do to keep up with his lips and tongue as he tasted my mouth. And my body was on fire. This was passion. This was hot and wet and so damnably sensuous. He pulled his lips from mine slowly, my lower lip releasing from his last. The movement was slow and sensual. Casually it seemed, he slipped the neckline of my tank top down, exposing one breast to his gaze. His eyes flicked to mine, back down to the exposed breast and hardened nipple and back to my eyes again.

"No wonder Kim calls you perky tits," he said quietly. My skin practically screamed out for his touch but I bit my lip in time to stop from begging him to touch me. He did anyway, his hand finally releasing mine. My hands landed in his hair, intending to shove him away from me with purpose, seconds before his hot lips closed over my nipple. The pushing became pulling as his tongue and teeth teased my nipple. Every nerve in my body was screaming and my core pulsed with sudden need. He released the nipple as slowly as he had released my lower lip, his gaze raising to mine. "We'll count that as the third kiss," he said.


	7. Climbing Walls

**Chapter Seven-Climbing Walls**

_You don't want to hurt me,  
But see how deep the bullet lies.  
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.  
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.  
So much hate for the ones we love?  
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?_

"_Running Up That Hill" by Placebo_

I stared irritably at my cell phone as it rang for what felt like the hundredth time. Paul had been calling for two days straight. After the kissing incident, as I referred to it in my head, Paul had gone home. I had tossed and turned in bed for two hours before slipping my fingers into my underwear and taking matters into my own hands (so to speak). Then I had avoided every single call Paul made. I jumped as his ringtone, "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mud blared loudly in the room. I sprang to my feet when Paul's voice came through the door.

"Now I fucking know you're home. Open the damn door Swan," he said. I stared at the door and then turned to flee when I remembered there was a spare key above the frame, which Paul was well aware of. A millisecond later I realized I had nowhere to run as the door opened.

"I need to get rid of that key," I blurted as I turned to face him. He closed the door behind him and locked it, as was habit.

"Do I get three guesses as to why you are avoiding me?" He asked.

"Paul," I began but he interrupted.

"First guess: I kissed you and you're pissed and insulted because you think I'm gross. Second guess: I kissed you and you're embarrassed because you want more. Third guess: you're embarrassed that I kissed you and licked that pretty little nipple of yours. You don't know how to react so you decided to pretend like it never happened," he said angrily. "Am I close?" I shook my head.

"No," I lied. "I had work to do."

"Bullshit," he said. "We're fucking friends first, friends always Swan. We got fucking carried away, so what?"

"Lower your voice," I said. "I have neighbors."

"No one is fucking home," he said at the same volume. "I checked. Stop avoiding shit."

"I don't think we need to talk about this," I said finally. I met his gaze steadily. "We both got carried away. Let's just forget it ever happened, okay?" He shook his head and paced.

"No," he said quietly almost as if he was talking to himself but I knew I was meant to hear. "That was the best damn kiss of my life and I don't want to forget it happened. And neither do you." He turned to face me and I took a step back at the naked fury in his eyes.

"No I don't," I admitted. I was tired of always trying to hide everything from everyone. "It was a great kiss…and everything else. I get worked up just thinking about it," I confessed. It was true and now it was out there. I couldn't take it back. His eyes darkened and he moved forward while I moved back until he had trapped me against a wall. He bent his head and brushed my neck lightly with parted lips.

"Then why are we fucking fighting this?" He breathed against my skin. "It's been building for months Swan. You know it. I know it. Anyone who has ever met us knows it." His hips moved forward and pinned me to the wall. My heart stuttered and I tried to get oxygen to my brain to react, to speak…really anything. I licked my lips nervously.

"Paul," I managed to get out. His teeth grazed my neck and I swear I blacked out for a minute.

"I want you," he confessed, his words caressing my skin. "So fucking badly. Don't send me away this time Swan." I nodded involuntarily, which he took as a sign or something because his mouth covered mine. He kissed me with naked hunger even as my hands crept into his hair to hold him in place. And everything crashed into us. Every flirtatious bit of banter, every innocent touch and every heated conversation fueled the kiss. I knew I needed to breathe but I couldn't tear my lips away from his. His hands were everywhere at once it seemed. He ripped his lips away and began nipping and licking my neck in turn even has he lifted my left leg over his hip slightly; massaging my bare thigh.

I had never felt passion like this. There was desire and need and pressing urgency in his touch. It was almost as if he were afraid I was going to snatch the moment away from him. I yanked his head away from my neck and he looked mildly hurt until I pulled my shirt over my head.

"That's it," he said suddenly. He slid his hands between my ass and the wall and lifted me. "Which one is the fucking bedroom?"I pointed blindly in the direction of the master suite and wrapped my legs securely around his hips. He flipped on the light and we tumbled into the bed together. He kissed me again and I suddenly hungered for his touch. He didn't disappoint and soon his thumbs were tenderly strumming both nipples as we feverishly tasted one another's mouths.

"Jesus Christ," I panted when his lips moved from mine to trail down my neck. He laughed softly against my pulse point, nipping it and then soothing the slight sting with his tongue.

"Paul," he reminded me. I would have smacked him if his mouth hadn't dropped to my nipple. He was more confident this time, his lips, tongue and teeth working in tandem as my sanity slowly slipped away. I tore impatiently at his shirt until it fell away. Smooth bronze skin filled my view. Paul released my nipple and kissed down my belly, stopping to unbutton the fly on my jean shorts. I lifted my hips to allow him to remove them. For whatever reason I didn't feel shy about being completely naked in front of Paul. The heated look in his eyes certainly made me feel desirable. Then, before I could stop him, he pressed his nose against my core.

"Hey!" I yelped. I tried to tug his hair but he wouldn't move. He glanced up with a lazy eye roll.

"You smell like honey and cinnamon," he confided in a smooth, sexy voice. "And you shave there too? Where did you learn that delightful habit?" He asked. My heart stuttered to a stop again when he parted my lower lips with two fingers and gazed intently. "What an absolutely perfect little pussy you have here," he said conversationally. "I wonder if it tastes as good as it smells?" He asked.

I was lost when his tongue touched me delicately. He hummed in some sort of approval before moving his tongue up to my now probably visibly pulsing clit. He lapped at my flesh delicately, but with firm purpose. I stopped trying to push him away, my hands in his hair instead pressing his lips more firmly to my clearly needy flesh. Then there was a loud, slightly embarrassing, slurping noise and a tremendous amount of suction on my clit right before I exploded. Paul's tongue continued to work feverishly through my orgasm and I realized through a very hazy, unsteady brain that he was tasting my juices.

"That was without a doubt the hottest thing I have ever seen," Paul whispered as he kissed his way back up my body. His mouth covered mine again and I tasted myself on his tongue. It was weird but not altogether unpleasant. He was now naked and I could feel his erection resting heaving at the apex of my thighs. I lifted my hips slightly and the tip slid slowly inside of me. Paul didn't seem to require further encouragement. He pulled my thigh over his hip and pressed forward. There was a sharp pain, a muttered curse from Paul and then he was inside of me. And the rest of the world became a distant memory.


	8. Bound

**Chapter Eight-Bound**

_I think I might have inhaled you_

_I can feel you behind my eyes_

_You've gotten into my bloodstream_

_I can feel you flowing in me. _

"_Bloodstream" by Stateless_

The overwhelming warmth is what woke me at first. My apartment usually ran on the cold side but I was suffocating almost, in the heat. I moved slightly and my head hit solid muscle. I froze, realizing the man in my bed could only be one person. Which meant that the amazingly erotic dream I had was not a dream. It was now fact. He was curved around my body, almost wrapped around me like a vine and I had been using his arm as a pillow. I managed to worm my way out of his arms and swung my feet to the ground.

I padded naked into my bathroom and turned on the shower before stopping to use the toilet. The pain made me start slightly and I noticed the faint traces of blood on my inner thighs. Yes, last night happened. I lost my virginity to the man whore of La Push. And I finally understood what all the fuss was about. Sex was amazing. I stepped under the hot spray of the shower and closed the shower door. I was startled momentarily when the door popped open and Paul stepped in.

"I thought for a second you left me," he said.

"It's my apartment," I pointed out. He smirked.

"I figured that part out and then I heard the shower turn on," he said. He pulled me firmly into his arms and kissed me, slow and lingering, his hands lifting into my wet hair.

"Good morning to you too," I quipped when our lips parted. I winced slightly when I moved and the hot water found my tender flesh. Paul moved us slightly so he was now standing under the brunt of the spray. One hand cupped the apex of my thighs tenderly.

"Are you okay?" He asked. I flushed and nodded.

"Just a little sore," I said. "It'll pass." He frowned.

"You never told me that you were a virgin," he said seriously.

"You never asked," I said. "You assumed." He had the decency to look ashamed.

"I saw some things when Jake was phased awhile back," he said hesitantly. I shrugged.

"Nothing ever happened beyond kissing," I said.

"I see now everything wasn't anatomically correct," he teased. "Like that mole just there." He swiped a finger over the crease of my lower lips. I smacked his hand away.

"I'm trying to take a shower," I said pushing him gently aside to stand under the spray again. He leaned into the tile wall of the shower.

"I'll just enjoy the view then," he said impishly. I rolled my eyes. "You look like a playboy centerfold right now," he teased. I snorted and soaped up my hair.

"I'll get right on that," I said sarcastically. He sighed as I rinsed my hair.

"You just don't see yourself clearly do you?" He asked. I shrugged.

"I guess I don't really think about it," I lied. "Stop staring at me you perv." He stepped under the spray with me and slid both hands down to my ass. He dropped his head and took my earlobe between his teeth. My body responded instantly, warming underneath his hands. I was practically purring like a damn cat.

"If you weren't sore right now I would lift those ridiculously sexy legs of yours around my waist and take you right here," he said directly into my ear. Heat flashed through me at his words. Desire pooled at my core, waiting, wanting, needing. He slipped one finger down and gently stroked my clit. I shivered.

"Paul," I said. "The water is getting cold." Without looking up he switched the tap off and returned that hand to my ass.

"You think too much," he said affectionately. His voice returned to the low, sultry, velvety tones that practically oozed sex. "You like it when I talk to you though, don't you?" As if in response my core pulsed and he smiled into my neck. His fingers moved slickly now, coated with my arousal, and fire coursed through my veins. He released me suddenly and I leaned heavily into the wall as he knelt before me. My hands fell to his head as he pressed hot, open mouthed kisses to my thighs before his fingers tenderly parted my lower lips.

"Please," I murmured incoherently while he simply stared. His gaze lifted to mine and his eyes sparkled with mischief.

"Please what?" He asked impishly. I blushed, which was ridiculous because his tongue was about an inch away from nirvana. My pride screamed not to give in but my hormones won the screaming match.

"Lick me," I said quickly, the blush still staining my cheeks. He tutted his tongue.

"You'll have to be more clear," he teased and licked my upper thigh. My fingers tightened in his hair as he tongue came impossibly close to where I needed it to be. Fucking pride be damned.

"Lick my pussy you asshole," I snapped. His breath touched my clit and I shivered. Fucking hormones.

"Such language," he teased. I opened my mouth to protest but his tongue laved my clit at that exact moment. He had been easy on me, I realized suddenly, the night before. His mouth was insatiable this morning. He used his tongue and teeth and lips to devour me. My orgasm made my head fall back into the tile with a loud thud. The only noise after that was the heavy sound of my breathing and the quiet lapping of Paul's tongue.

"God damn you're good at that," I managed to say after a few minutes passed. The cold air made me shiver. His eyes locked with mine as he continued to move his lips and tongue over my now overly sensitive flesh. I pushed his head away gently. He licked his lips before standing. This time I was prepared for my own taste as he lowered his lips. His erection was hot and hard pressed between us. I dropped my hand to it and closed my fist experimentally around it. Where I was quiet and shy, Paul was no such thing and had no reservations about telling me what he liked.

"Yeah like that…you can go harder…god yes…a little faster," he moaned. I followed his instructions the best I could. His guttural groan followed by a hot stream of sperm hitting my stomach was my reward. His body quaked slightly and his eyes were squeezed shut. I turned the water back on, thankful it was hot again. He opened his eyes lazily and helped wash me off before stepping under the stream of water to wash himself.

"I can grab an extra towel," I said when we stepped out of the shower. He waved me away.

"I'll be dry before you can get it. One of the perks of being a wolf," he said. He wrapped me in the oversized towel and rubbed briskly. "I should have waited until we crawled into bed again," he said when I shivered a little.

"It was perfect," I said. And meant it.


	9. Collide

**Chapter Nine-Collide**

_I'm open, you're closed  
Where I follow, you'll go  
I worry I won't see your face  
Light up again  
Even the best fall down sometimes  
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills my mind  
I somehow find  
You and I collide_

"_Collide" by Howie Day_

Paul hummed loudly as he prepared the boxed macaroni and cheese. We had dressed after our shower and then Paul's stomach had declared itself. I curled my hands around a mug of tea and watched him through slightly lowered eyes. His shirt hung open, the top button of his pants casually left open; bronze skin and tight muscles glowing in the muted light of the kitchen. He glanced up briefly to give me a smile before returning his attention back to the measuring cup he was holding. The man was definitely beautiful and his reputation as the sex god of La Push was well deserved from what I could tell.

Paul and I had been friends long enough for me to know that he wouldn't spend the night with any of his "girls" as he called them. So why had he stayed the night with me? Because we were friends? And why the hell was he standing calmly in my kitchen making macaroni and cheese when his ass would normally be halfway to Canada by now? I jumped slightly when he placed a small bowl of the finished product on the coffee table in front of me.

"Sorry," he said. "Thought you saw me heading over."

"Why are you here?" I blurted out suddenly. He rolled his eyes.

"You do remember what just happened right?" He asked.

"You never stay the night with anyone you have sex with," I pointed out. He dug his fork into the macaroni.

"Yeah well they aren't you," he pointed out just as bluntly. "I've never slept with anyone I considered a friend before. I wasn't aware I had a certain protocol."

"I just don't want you to think you have to stay," I protested. He put his bowl down.

"Jesus do you want me to leave?" He asked.

"No!" I blurted out without thinking again.

"Then relax, eat your damn macaroni and stop staring at me like a stalker," he said. He went back to his food then and I picked my bowl up. Some ridiculous zombie movie was on TV and Paul's attention, thankfully, focused on that. His lack of concern about the situation unnerved me. I had been 100% sure last night, even as I was making the decision, that I would wake up alone. The domesticity of the picture shook me.

"Are you done with that bowl?" I managed to ask when Paul set his empty bowl on the table. He nodded and I took it to the kitchen. Even though I had a dishwasher I washed it by hand before drying it with soft kitchen towels. My mind was occupied with racing thoughts and I jumped when Paul's arms slid around me from behind.

"You need to stop thinking so hard," he said quietly. I closed my eyes as his warmth seeped into me. As much as I hated to admit it I had grown to care deeply about Paul, despite his hot temper and big mouth.

"I'm trying," I said softly.

"Tell me what's on your mind," he urged. I sighed.

"This is too complicated," I confessed. "We're friends and this is going to fuck everything up. Sex always does." His breath made my hair ruffle.

"We've been circling each other for months Swan," he said softly. "Either this was going to happen or we'd hate one another for the rest of our lives. I, for one, couldn't live with that. Could you?" I shook my head. Paul was the only one squarely in my corner. He'd been the one constant in my life, even before Jake and I broke up. And he was right. We had been circling one another. We had poked and prodded and tested until everything blew up in our faces.

"And what happens now?" I asked fighting the urge to lean into his touch as one of his hands gently traced patterns on my stomach. I could feel him shrug.

"How the hell should I know?" He asked. "I you forget this part is new to me too Swan."

"We can't go back to eating pizza, watching bad TV and being friends," I pointed out. He chuckled, his breath grazing the skin of my neck softly.

"We can do all of those things, pet," he pointed out. "Except now we can touch each other, kiss each other, have sex if we want."

"And when it gets old for you?" I asked trying to keep my head on straight as his teeth caught my earlobe and his hand slipped into the front of my shorts. I caved and leaned my head back into his shoulder.

"We'll figure it out as we go," he whispered. His hand cupped my sex, almost possessively and I closed my eyes. He laughed softly and removed his hand after one aching moment. "I'd love to continue this Swan, but we're supposed to be at the god awful meeting in an hour."

"Sonuvabitch," I swore quietly as he moved away. No wonder the girls at the reservation practically panted and worshipped at his feet. He was sex walking. I shook my head to clear it and headed for my bedroom to get changed for the meeting. We drove down together in my car, knowing but not saying out loud that we would return to my apartment together. We didn't speak. Paul just cranked the stereo and sang along, badly, to Guns n Roses.

Unfortunately we were late and my car skidded to a stop outside of Sam's house. Construction had detoured us around the back entrance to La Push and we had been forced to drive ten miles around, nearly all the way to Forks, in order to avoid it. I was dashing up the front stairs when Paul caught my hand and then pressed me into the side of the house. His lips were hot on mine, feverish and I responded instantly to his hot-blooded kiss.

"There," he said tugging my hand to pull me back around to the front. "Now we can go deal with this shit." We slipped into the meeting, Sam shaking his head as he noticed, quite obviously, that we had finally arrived.

"As I was saying, this fresh trail means double patrols for everyone," Sam said with a scathing look in our direction.

"Dad's mad," Paul quipped and I hastily turned my giggle into a cough. Sam continued to drone on about patrols and my mind drifted. I didn't realize the meeting was over with until Raven poked me sharply. We were the last two left in the kitchen.

"What have you been up to, dirty girl?" She asked. "Don't think I didn't notice Paul's car isn't out there." I shrugged.

"It wouldn't start," I said.

"Liar," she said. "Spill your guts before Emily comes back in or Kim tries to drag us to the mall."

"Nothing happened," I insisted but the color blooming on my cheeks told a different story. She laughed.

"Tell that to your face," she said. "Let's have it."

"Okay so he spent the night," I said.

"In bed with you?" She asked. I nodded. "Naked?" She asked and I nodded again. "I fucking knew it. He's been circling you like you're a bitch in heat for months." I made a face at the description.

"Nice picture Raven," I said. She shrugged.

"The symbolism applies," she said. "Was it good? All my friends say he is phenomenal."

"I really don't want to talk about this," I said. She sighed.

"Fine then, spoil my fun," she said. "I'll get it out of you one day though."

"Thanks for the warning," I said slightly sarcastically and she laughed. Paul staggered through the door, punching and fake wrestling with Jake until they reached the table.

"Are we heading back?" He asked. "Or did Raven talk you into that elusive girl time?" Paul had no clear sense of what girl time was. He thought it was like porn, naked pillow fights and lesbian sex. In reality it was flannel pajamas, margaritas and sappy romance movies.

"We can head back," I said. "Unless you have patrol or something." Paul waved it away.

"Weren't you listening?" He asked. "The trail is up in PA. I guess I'll be surfing your couch this week." A flash of heat and longing hit me like a ton of bricks but I tried to keep my face neutral.

"Fine but you wash your own damn dishes," I said. Jake didn't seem to catch on to the sexual tension in the room. Raven grabbed his arm.

"Come on," she said tugging him slightly. "Bella, I'll see you for dress shopping next week."


	10. Blurred Lines

**Chapter Ten-Blurred Lines**

_'Cause it's you and me and all of the people_

_with nothing to do, nothing to prove_

_And it's you and me and all of the people_

_And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you._

"_You and Me" by Lifehouse_

I was in some kind of a sex haze, or a trance or something. For a week Paul and I didn't leave the confines of my apartment. He was insatiable and to be honest my appetite rivaled his. There was a day which Paul declared naked day and we both walked around the apartment naked. I ended up with rug burns on my knees, a bruise behind my thigh and an embarrassing number of love bites all over my body. After that day I thought it was better to get rid of naked day, for the health of my poor body. For the first time I enjoyed having so much time off of work. I tended to thrive on the fast pace of always having something to do. But these lazy, intensely pleasurable days made me feel like an overfed cat, rolling around lazily on the floor.

"You have that dress thing today," Paul commented against my stomach. We had argued about whether my stomach was flat enough to use as a plate. Paul had retaliated by eating a pint of strawberries and whipped cream from the surface of my skin before taking me on the floor. His head now rested on my stomach, using it as a pillow, and I ran one hand lazily through his hair.

"Thank god those marks are gone," I said. "Kim never would have shut up about them."

"My wolf liked seeing them on you," he said casually. Over the past few days he had loosened up slightly and sometimes made comments similar to this. It seemed Paul had always been at some sort of odds with his wolf, his wolf the proverbial voices in his head that he struggled against. I saw it as a baser, more instinctive form of his nature but he disagreed. He felt like the wolf was another entity inside of him. I tugged his hair playfully.

"Well tell him to rein it in next time," I joked. "I could have done without the carpet burn." He shrugged unapologetically.

"At least yours was on your knees," he said. "I think I might still have splinters in my ass from when we nearly took down that wall."

"We are getting rather dangerous," I said. I moved his head and stood on slightly wobbly legs. He reclined back onto the carpet and watched as I moved around the bedroom naked. I slipped on a pair of white lace undies and then pulled on a pair of tan skinny jeans.

"Wear the blue with that," he offered helpfully. Then, because he was Paul, he added "your tits look hot in blue." I grabbed a black button down instead, sticking my tongue out at him for good measure and rifled through my drawer for a black bra to match. Paul stood behind me and surprised me by deftly braiding my hair.

"Where did you learn to do that?" I asked. He shrugged.

"When I was younger I had long hair," he said. "I cut it when I became a wolf. Otherwise the wolf's fur is too shaggy and I can barely move. Now do you really have to go do this?" He asked resting his hands on my shoulders.

"Raven desperately needs girl time and Kim threatened me with death if I didn't show up," I answered.

"And what's the dress for again?" He asked crankily throwing himself on my bed.

"They didn't say but I have a feeling it's for Raven's wedding," I said. Paul sat up in bed.

"They're engaged?" He asked. I shrugged.

"It's just a feeling," I said. "Otherwise it will be an obscenely short dress to wear to a club or something."

"I can endorse that," he said silkily. I threw a tube of lotion at him. He caught it laughing.

"I'm going to be late," I said. "Don't eat my Cheetos or I will end you." I warned.

"So romantic," he teased. He stood, pulling me into his arms, pouting as I struggled to pull out of his iron grip. "What will I do all alone?" He asked.

"I'm sure you'll think of something," I said. "Now seriously I have to go or they'll think I was abducted." His lips touched mine briefly and he released me. As I was walking out the door his next words nearly made my heart stop.

"I don't want to be away from you," he said. It was said softly and I had no doubt I wasn't supposed to hear it. So I did the only logical thing. I pretended I hadn't.

"You're late," Kim snapped when I whipped the Caliber into the spot next to her Honda. Raven handed me an iced coffee.

"Bless you," I told her fervently before taking a sip. "I couldn't find clean pants," I lied. Raven arched a brow but didn't say anything further.

"Come on," Kim said. "I found this new place and they will have the perfect dresses for us." I mocked groaned as Kim pulled me into a small, slightly cramped store. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the club style dresses high on the walls. I loved Raven, but watching her get married to my ex might be a little hard to swallow still.

"You're going to make me dance again, aren't you?" I asked dully as Kim began rifling through the racks.

"We bought out the VIP lounge at Red," she said absently. "For Sam's birthday."

"Then why isn't Emily here being subjected to this torture?" I asked grumpily as Kim shoved several dresses into my arms.

"She's at the doctor," Raven answered. "And Leah already picked up a dress."

"Lies," I muttered. "I could have just ordered something online."

"But then you wouldn't get the pleasure of my company," Kim snapped shoving me forcefully into the dressing room. "Now tell me how good sex with Paul is." I was in the process of removing my sneakers and nearly fell over at her words.

"Who says I'm having sex with Paul?" I managed to squeak out, glad she couldn't see my face.

"Oh please," she said sarcastically. "You two have been panting around each other for months." Did everyone see this shit but me? I wondered. I slipped into the first dress, a hideously tight blue spandex number.

"Nuh uh," Raven said when I stepped out of the dressing room. "I can practically see your ovaries from here."

"You didn't answer my question," Kim prompted. "I've always wondered if he was good. He certainly looks like he would be."

"Jesus Christ," I muttered pulling a yellow number up to barely cover my boobs. I made a face at my reflection before stepping out.

"Wrong color," Kim snapped. "My money is on the red. You look phenomenal in red. Now tell me!" She demanded as I closed the door to the dressing room again.

"I'm not discussing this," I said finally. Kim clapped her hands triumphantly.

"I knew it!" She said. "Is he big? I bet he is. Jared said something once, well more like let it slip, that Paul was the biggest. How do they even judge that?" She babbled. I stepped out in the red dress. I had to admit I liked it the best. It was a little longer than the others, falling in ripples of artfully torn fabric to my knee. It crossed over one shoulder and left the other bare.

"It's perfect," Raven declared. "Kim leave her alone about Paul. You have enough dirty sex of your own to keep your filthy mind occupied."

"Very true," Kim said dreamily. "Jared does this thing…"I put my hands over my ears until she stopped speaking. "God such a prude for the girl who landed the sex god of La Push," she commented airily.

"Go change back. We have to find some shoes," Raven said. My groan only made them laugh.


	11. Run

**Chapter Eleven-Run**

_Every night you cry yourself to sleep  
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?  
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"  
Hard to believe that  
It's not over tonight  
Just give me one more chance to make it right  
I may not make it through the night  
I won't go home without you._

"_Won't Go Home Without You" by Maroon 5_

I dealt with my emotional turmoil in the best way I knew how. When I got home from dress and high heel shopping I had picked a fight with Paul. His wishful words before my shopping trip coupled with Kim's comments about landing the La Push sex god had my nerves frayed and on edge. So when Paul had moved forward to kiss me as I came through the door I had lashed out. I shoved him away, hard, and his surprise had him stumbling into the wall. He looked confused and more than a little bit hurt.

"What the hell happened?" He asked warily as I shoved my dress into the hall closet where it would fit.

"You're always fucking here," I snapped. "Are you seriously that hard up for pussy that you'll play at being in some sort of relationship to get what you want?" He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"I don't even know how to answer that," he said after a minute. "Or if I even should."

"Seriously go get what you want somewhere else," I snapped. "The buffet is closed. Send someone else to patrol the area. You make me sick!" His eyes held an equal measure of sadness and anger but as he gathered his wallet and keys from the nightstand his words were quiet.

"I don't even know what I did," he said softly. "I'll send Seth up for the night." And then he was gone. I tore viciously at the sheets and comforter on my bed and threw them into the washing machine. I found fresh sheets in the closet and made my bed angrily. By the time Seth arrived, setting a duffel bag down careful and avoiding eye contact, I had managed to compose myself somewhat. But I cried myself to sleep that night, secretly aching for Paul's strong arms wrapped around me and the feeling of his warm breath on my skin.

The next night I dutifully gathered my dress and shoes together before ushering a still sleepy Seth to the car. He had spent the majority of the night awake and then crashed on the couch once I woke up from my fitful sleep. Kim had texted a clear warning that despite my sudden mental illness (how else could you explain sending a hottie like Paul away?) I still need to show up at her house to get ready for Sam's party.

"You look like death warmed over," Raven greeted me as I tossed the dress and shoes onto Kim's bed.

"I didn't sleep well," I said. "Where's Kim?"

"Dragging Leah and Emily over to help get ready," she answered. "What happened Bella? Paul stormed back onto the reservation last night, practically ordered Seth to go to your house and then went on a bender."

"He was getting on my nerves," I lied. "I told him to go home." She took my shoulders in her hands and stared down into my face.

"You're in love with him," she said softly. I shook my head once but she laughed softly. "You do Bella. It's written all over your face. So what happened last night?" Suddenly I was cradled in her arms, sobbing out my story while she made gentle shushing noises.

"I'm sorry," I choked out. "I just don't have anyone anymore. I feel so separated from everyone. Then I am stupid enough to fall in love with the one guy who might be incapable of the emotion." She handed me a few tissues.

"Paul is far from incapable," she said. "I grew up here, remember? He's just been through a lot. He never knew his dad. His mom was practically the reservation bike and ignored his existence before running off with some trucker. He's been alone since he was fourteen. That's a long time for anyone to be taking care of themselves. He's like you Bella. He's been hurt, maybe not in the same way, but he's still hurting."

"What's happening here?" Kim demanded from the doorway.

"Bonding," Raven lied easily. "We'll be fine. I'll start Bella's hair if you do her makeup." An hour later we piled into my car (it was the nicest, Kim argued) and made our way to Red, where they guys were supposedly already waiting. My stomach fluttered in an absent sort of way when I saw Paul, disheveled but still handsome, cradling a glass of what looked like whiskey in one hand. He didn't even look up when we all approached.

"Happy birthday Sam," I said giving him a hug dutifully after Kim did.

"Thanks," he said. He looked uncomfortable with all of the attention. I was way too sober to deal with all of this right now. I snagged a margarita from a side table and downed it before grabbing another. This one I tried to drink more slowly as I listened to everyone chat. My eyes fell on Paul dancing with a very tall, curvy blonde and I slammed the drink instead. Could I be mad when I had practically ordered him to do this very thing? His eyes met mine for a split second before I looked away. Yeah I was way too sober to deal with all of this for sure.

Four margaritas later I was feeling considerably better. I was dancing, albeit badly, with Seth who was probably the only single guy there. Poor kid's eye balls were popping out as girl after girl drooled over him. No wonder Sue tried to keep him on the reservation all the time. I had pried his juvenile jailbait ass away from a very slutty blonde and pulled him onto the dance floor.

"Oh my god thank you," He said. "She seriously stuck her hand down my pants. Who does that?" I glanced over at the blonde who was still dancing with Paul. They were so tight together you could barely differentiate between their clothes.

"Sluts do that," I answered. "Never date a girl who sticks her hands down your pants before she learns your name. Free advice." Seth glanced over where I was looking.

"Or a girl with a face painted like a clown," he said in distaste.

"Attaboy," I congratulated him. With any luck he wouldn't turn into an asshole like other men. I leaned into Seth a little. "I am so tired," I complained.

"I can drive you back home," Seth offered. Before I could answer heated hands touched my hips. I knew by the grip that it was Paul.

"Get lost pup," Paul practically growled. Seth practically ran away, not that I blamed him and I turned to face Paul.

"He's just a kid you prick," I said. He pulled me firmly against his body.

"Shut up and dance," he said. "I heard what you and Seth were saying. All of the sudden you have a problem with me picking someone up in a bar?" His closeness was disarming. I shook my head.

"We were talking about the short one who stuck her hand down his pants," I said. "But someone must have a guilty conscience. She stuck her hand down your pants then? Tacky." His grip on my hips became slightly punishing.

"What do you want from me?" He asked. "I am so fucking confused I can't even think straight."

"I want you to stop being an asshole," I said sullenly. I knew I had no legs to stand on, so to speak, but I couldn't stop the words from leaving my mouth.

"I'm the asshole?" He asked bitterly. "Seriously everything was fine until you came back from shopping. The shit hit the fan and I just tried to avoid the aftermath." I pushed myself out of his arms.

"Leave it," I warned when he tried to follow me. I stepped out onto the patio behind the club to catch my breath. The air was cold but it soothed my over heated skin.

"Oh I didn't realize anyone was out here," an attractive guy who seemed to be in his early thirties was backing into the club again.

"It's fine," I said wearily. "There's plenty of space out here." He leaned into the wall next to the club.

"It just got too loud in there," he said conversationally. "I'm getting too old for the club scene."

"Then why are you here?" I asked bluntly.

"It's my cousin's bachelor party," he said. "I'm Gabriel by the way."

"Bella," I said meeting his blue gaze.

"Well Bella can I ask why you are out here all alone?" He asked. I shrugged.

"Because I always pick the wrong guys," I said.

"Ah, me too, but with women," Gabriel said. How he got those crystal blue eyes with that deep brown hair…it was a striking combination. "Let me guess, he's hitting on the tall, leggy blonde who looks like a sports illustrated model?" I nodded.

"Apparently she stuck her hand down his pants," I said plainly. "Apparently sluts say hello like that." He laughed and I found myself giggling along with him.

"Well not to sound like I am coming onto you but he's a moron," Gabriel said. "I've pretty much been watching you all night." I blushed.

"Thanks I think," I said. He chuckled.

"What do you say I take you back inside and we dance a little?" He suggested. He held his hand out, palm up and I took it without hesitation.


	12. Pushing Limits

**Chapter Twelve-Pushing Limits**

_And I just hope she knows that she the only one I yearn for  
More and more I miss her. When will I learn?  
Didn't give her all my love, I guess now I got my payback  
Now I'm in the club thinking all about my baby  
Hey, she was so easy to love  
But wait, I guess that love wasn't enough_

"_Just a Dream" by Nelly_

"If you wanted to make me jealous you should have picked someone besides the accountant," Paul whispered directly into my ear. I tried to turn but he kept me in place with firm hands on my hips.

"He's a financial planner," I snapped. "And if you aren't jealous then why aren't you over there with Blondie McBimbo?" I asked.

"She found someone else more appealing," he answered, turning us to where she was clearly hitting on a slightly mystified Seth.

"He's such jailbait," I commented. One of his hands carelessly pushed hair away from my neck and he leaned forward.

"Get rid of the boytoy, Swan," he said. I managed to pull free from his arms just as Gabriel returned with another margarita for me. His blue eyes took in the sight of the intimidating; 6 foot tall muscled out Paul with only a slight shock. He took it in stride.

"Gabriel Smith," he said sticking out a hand. Paul didn't take it.

"This is Paul and he was just leaving," I said pointedly. I turned my back to Paul again.

"So that's the bad choice, huh?" Gabriel asked taking a sip of what looked like some sort of whiskey.

"One of them," I admitted. "Though he seems to have some sort of preference for sluts." Gabriel's blue eyes twinkled.

"I'm assuming we're excluding present company," he said wryly. I laughed and took another sip of my margarita.

"Considering I was a virgin last week I would say so," I commented drily. He practically choked on his whiskey.

"I thought you were a legal age," he spluttered. I laughed again.

"I turned 21 six months ago," I said. "You're not aiding in any kind of delinquency. No, I just never had the true inclination before last week." Gabriel glanced over to where Paul was now cozying up to the bimbo again. He shook his head.

"I don't see it," he said.

"See what?" I asked. He shrugged.

"I don't understand how a guy could go from you to that," he said. "Seems like polar opposites."

"I'll try not to take offense to that," I said sarcastically. "But he's Paul. It's what he does."

"I was trying, obviously badly, to give you a compliment," he said. "In the morning she'll look like a clown and he won't be able to talk to her. It's obvious you're a natural beauty and it seems you have brains as well." I blushed.

"Well brains enough not to think reaching down someone's pants is the same as a handshake," I joked. He smiled.

"I'm starting to think you're an old soul Bella," he said. I set my empty margarita glass on a table.

"Enough serious talk," I said. "The club's about to close and I want one more dance." The last song of the night at Red was always a country song. I secretly thought the owner had some sort of rule about that but my co-workers always said it was a coincidence. Tonight "Words I Couldn't Say" by Rascal Flatts was the selection.

"So what are the chances I get to see you again?" Gabriel asked as he walked me to my car. I knew my sober driver, the underage Seth was waiting nearby. Stupid wolf bodyguards. Couldn't be irresponsible even if I wanted to. I shivered a little and a moment later he draped his jacket over my shoulders.

"Thanks," I said. "Well I don't know if you know Roth Publishing but I work there. We could maybe get coffee sometime, before work?" I suggested.

"Do you know Ray Dominguez?" He asked. I nodded.

"I'm his assistant/intern/slave," I said.

"He's my half brother," Gabriel said.

"Small world," I remarked. We stopped by the Caliber. Sure enough Seth was waiting, leaning on the driver's door. Gabriel glanced at him.

"Are they all that tall?" He asked. I laughed.

"Just about," I said. "And he's only 16. He's also my designated driver for the night." And my Sam-appointed stalker.

"I'll stop by the office sometime then," he said. He hesitated for a moment and then bent to place a gentle kiss on my cheek. "It was refreshing to meet you Bella." I watched him walk to a shiny silver Mercedes before I turned back to my car. Seth's smirk made me blush.

"Not a word from you, jailbait," I snapped before tossing him my car keys.

"I didn't say anything," he said. "And I am not jailbait." I shrugged and got into the passenger's seat.

"Fine. Cougar bait then," I suggested. He grinned as if it were a compliment. I was anticipating stumbling into bed when I saw Paul sitting on my couch. He nodded to Seth.

"Go home midget," he ordered. "I've got this." Seth hightailed it out of there before I could protest. Little traitor. I kicked off my shoes unsteadily.

"You know where the pillows are," I said. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Or you can explain to me exactly what kind of mind fuck you are playing right now," he said.

"The kind that is too tired to deal with you right now," I said. He caught my elbow as I tried to pass him.

"The only time you're honest with me is when you've been drinking," he said. "So well talk about this now."

"I don't want this Paul," I said gesturing to the space between the two of us. "I want something normal. I want to be able to be with someone normal."

"Like GQ at the bar tonight?" He asked with an edge of anger. I shrugged.

"Maybe," I said. "It would be easier than waiting for the other shoe to drop." He looked confused.

"What other shoe?" He asked. I shrugged again.

"Take your pick Paul," I said. "You could imprint. I know you said because you're only half-Quileute it wouldn't happen but no one knows for sure. Or you could decide while out with the guys that some chick at a bar looks better than what you have waiting at home. I can't take those kinds of risks Paul. I can't do it and I am sorry that Edward and Jake fucked that up for you, I really am, but I am not ready to get my heart fucking shattered yet another time." I panted with my exertion and tried to move past Paul again. He held a palm flat against my stomach this time. I avoided his gaze.

"Don't put what they did to you on me," he said quietly. "I don't deserve that." I pushed his hand away.

"I'm going to bed," I said instead of answering. "You can sleep on the couch or send Seth back. The choice is yours."


	13. Normal Haze

**Chapter Thirteen-Normal Haze**

_I'm gonna wear you down_

_I'm gonna make you see _

_I'm gonna get to you_

_You're gonna give into me. _

"_Give in to Me" by Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester_

"I heard you met my brother," Ray said on Monday morning. I looked up from my overflowing inbox in surprise.

"How did you know?" I asked. He perched on the edge of my desk.

"Sunday was our father's birthday. We have different mothers but Gabriel always comes to dinner at our house. His mom is less…accepting. He mentioned meeting you," he said. I looked away from Ray's frank gaze.

"I was celebrating a friend's birthday and ran into him," I said. "I mentioned that I worked here and he said something about knowing you." Ray thumbed through a few things I had sorted for him.

"He's a good guy," he said. "I would normally discourage any kind of relationship because I am your boss but Gabe's good people. Can I take these or do you need me to leave them here?" He asked holding up the papers.

"No you can take them," I said. "I should have the rest in about an hour." He waved me off.

"No hurry," he said. "It looks like someone drowned your desk in paper." I smirked as he left the room. I had been surprised at just how much I thought of Gabriel over the weekend. Paul had stayed the entire weekend, on the couch, and we barely spoke beyond social niceties like "do you need the shower?" and "pass the salt". Gabriel had been very present in my mind. I had never really been interested in "normal guys" so he was throwing me for a loop. As if my brain had conjured him he appeared at my desk. I blinked rapidly in surprise.

"I brought you a coffee," he said thrusting a cup at me. I took it, dumbfounded. "Two creams and one sugar, right? Ray told me." I finally found my voice.

"Right," I said. "I have a lot of stuff to get through." He smiled.

"As much as I want to be, I am not here for you. I have to go through Ray's tax stuff," he said. "But I thought you still might like the coffee." I watched him saunter off and hurricane Amber landed.

"Oh my god who is the hottie?" She asked. I groaned.

"Can no one see that I have two weeks of work sitting on my desk?" I asked. She rolled her eyes.

"Ray would tell you to take a pill," she said. "So who is he?"

"Ray's half-brother," I said. "He's here to do Ray's tax stuff." She perched on the edge of the desk and a few papers toppled to the ground. I groaned again.

"What's his story?" She asked. I shrugged.

"How the hell should I know?" I asked. Her eyes narrowed.

"He brought you coffee," she pointed out.

"He brought Ray coffee but forgot the sugar," I lied. "So I said I'd take it." I took a sip as if to prove my point. Ray poked his head into my office.

"I need you in here Bella," he said. "My computer is acting like that chick from the Exorcist." I followed him into his office and dropped into his chair. Gabriel smirked at my obvious irritation.

"I only pushed like two buttons," Ray said. "And it started spitting errors at me." I tapped a few keys and cleaned up the error messages.

"Stop trying to open a thousand windows at once," I suggested. "But I think you have a virus. What the hell did you click on?" I asked as more error messages flooded the screen.

"I resent the implications," Ray said. I made my doubtful face and he backpedaled.

"Okay so I clicked on a porn popup," he admitted. "It was late and no one was in the office…" I cut him off with a wave.

"I don't need the details," I said. "But you need a professional. This is messed up."

"Then can we do taxes at your desk?" He asked. I sighed.

"Ray I have a shit ton of paperwork on my desk right now," I said. "Can this wait?"

"I'll take the papers in here and you can help Gabe with the program," he said. "I suck at all of that anyways."

"I don't really need help doing this," Gabriel said for the thousandth time two hours later. "I am perfectly capable of operating a computer." I shoved his hand away from the mouse for the millionth time.

"You're related to Ray," I said. "He looks at computers wrong and they explode. Do not touch my computer."

"You're lucky I like bossy women," he commented, crossing his arms over his chest.

"And you're lucky you brought coffee or I might have stabbed you with a pen by now," I said.

"Not a morning person?" He asked. I shrugged.

"I have an annoying houseguest right now," I said. I couldn't exactly say that I had been up all weekend thinking about the measly peck on the cheek he had given me.

"I'm assuming it's Mr. Wrong Choice," Gabriel said.

"Yes and it is very complicated," I said.

"I don't doubt that," he said deferentially. "Can you move the expense reports to the other sheet please? It needs to be under travel." I was happy for the change in conversation. I didn't even know what my relationship with Paul was. I'm not sure I could define it to someone else at this point.

"I hate you," I snapped at Ray when, at 5PM, Gabriel and I were still working on the tax information.

"And I am beginning to appreciate your value," he answered with a shudder. "How you would be able to get through all of that paperwork in an hour is beyond me. How about a raise?" I raised one eyebrow.

"I'm an unpaid intern," I reminded him. He feigned a look of confusion.

"Is that right? Well I just got off the phone with your work study program and I agreed to hire you on full time, pending your approval of the pay of course," he offered.

"And what kind of money are we looking at?" I asked trying to keep cool even though my heart was practically jumping out of my chest.

"Well it's a promotion of sorts, turns out we have need of a junior editor and I might even let you share my new assistant," he said. "We'll talk money tomorrow." I waited until he floated out the door before breaking out into a broad grin.

"I guess congratulations are in order," Gabriel said.

"Well thanks," I said. I couldn't stop smiling.

"While you're in a non-pen stabbing mood," he said. "I have this work function thing. It's this charity masquerade ball thing to raise money for Children's Hospital. Anyways it's this coming weekend and I really need to find a date before my boss sets me up with his ex-wife. I was hoping you would take the job," he said hopefully.

"I don't know," I teased. "What's the pay like?" He smiled.

"Well you get dinner," he said. "And it's an open bar."

"I'll be there," I said. "But don't get any crazy ideas. You are way too normal and well-adjusted for me."


	14. Masquerade

**Chapter Fourteen-Masquerade**

_Where do you go when you're lonely  
Where do you go when you're blue  
Where do you go when you're lonely  
I'll follow you  
When the stars go blue_

"_When the Stars Go Blue" by Tyler Hilton Featuring Bethany Lenz_

"I can't believe you get to go to a real life ball," Kim complained as she dabbed foundation on my cheeks. "I am so jealous I could punch you."

"Vicious thing," Raven joked as she yanked on my hair. I knew better than to complain. If you complained, Raven would pull harder.

"It's a favor for a friend," I said. "It will probably be super boring."

"Not if it's with that hottie from the club," Kim said. "Older but way too hot to turn down." Raven smacked her arm.

"Leave Bella alone," she scolded Kim. "Let her be all normal girl for one night."

"I don't know what normal even is anymore," I said with a sigh.

"So tell me what your date is like," Kim said. "Close your eyes. I gotta do your eyeliner." I closed my eyes obediently.

"Gabriel is a financial planner. The company he works for does a lot of different things. He manages high profile accounts," I said. "He's smart and definitely easy on the eyes." Kim yawned.

"Boring," she said dabbing my eyes with liner. "As hot as he is he should be something like a model."

"He was," I said. "When he was younger he did some catalog stuff but he said he hated it."

"I'd like to get my hands on those shots," Raven muttered shoving several thousand pins into my hair.

"Raven!" I said slightly scandalized. She batted her eyes innocently.

"I have eyes," she said. "And boy is fine. You could do much worse."

"This isn't a date," I protested for the hundredth time. "He just needed to bring someone to ward off his bosses ex-wife."

"No offense Bells," Kim said. "But if that were the case he wouldn't be picking complicated bar chick."

"Fuck you both," I muttered closing my eyes again.

"Be nice or I will make you look like Lady Gaga," Kim warned.

"Go ahead," I said lazily. "I'll tell Jared you said Gabriel was a hottie."

"You don't play fair," she said resuming her work on my face.

"Says the woman who wouldn't let me pick my own masquerade dress," I said. Kim had, true to her nature, dragged me to a dress shop once she heard about the masquerade. After sifting through nearly every dress in the store she had finally settled on a silky gold dress that perfectly matched the mask Emily made.

"You pick wrong," she said.

"Sorry Bella," Raven said. "I'm forced to agree."

"Traitor," I mumbled. But an hour later I was forced to admit they were both geniuses when it came to style. Raven had settled on an elegant updo with long, loose curls everywhere. And the dress…well it was perfect. Kim handed me my mask just as the doorbell rang.

"Can you get that?" I asked Raven. A minute later Gabriel appeared in the living room where we had everything set up. He looked dashing in a black suit and light blue silky shirt. His mask was deceptively simple and tied in the back. His clear blue eyes easily gave away his identity though.

"You sure know how to give a man a heart attack," he said after looking at me for a minute. "You look absolutely incredible."

"Thanks," I said softly. I turned to Kim.

"Make sure whoever is outside is discrete," I whispered. "Leah if you can talk her into it." Kim nodded and I took Gabriel's proffered hand.

The event was being held at one of the high end hotels in the area, The Beaumont. Gabriel curled a hand around my hip as we walked up. I was surprised to see so many paparazzi and even more surprised when they began taking our picture. Then I heard them calling out Gabriel's name and asking the name of his date.

"Bella Swan," he said confidently. He was obviously used to this. "Excuse us folks, we have an event to attend."

"Does that happen all the time?" I whispered as he swept me inside.

"My father is a fairly well known businessman and my mother was a model in her day," he said. "Every so often the local paparazzi get bored and start running features on me."

"I see," I murmured even though I didn't see at all. He smiled.

"They won't be there when we get out," he said. "Once they get pictures of anyone approaching famous they will pack it in." Before I could say anything else we stepped into the ballroom. It had a very _Phantom of the Opera_ feel with lanterns and dark tablecloths everywhere.

"Gabe!" A heavy man with a gold mask approached us, his arm curved around a very bored looking supermodel. At least she looked like she could be a supermodel.

"Mr. Lutz," Gabriel said. "This is my hostage for the evening, Bella Swan. She works with my brother at the publishing house." Watery green eyes took me in and then he took my hand.

"Lovely to meet you," he said depositing a kiss gallantly on the back of my hand. "Well enjoy! And Gabe, Molly was incredibly saddened to learn of your date this evening." Gabriel nodded.

"Well you see how lovely Miss Swan is," he said. "And you see my dilemma."

"Too true," Mr. Lutz said. I could hear his laughter booming as he walked away. Gabriel sighed and his grip on my back became a little more relaxed.

"He's on his sixth marriage," he confided as we found our seats and sat down. "Molly is wife number two. She's fifteen years older than me, smokes like a chimney and definitely thinks sticking her hand down someone's pants is the equivalent of a handshake."

"So she would have eaten you alive?" I teased. He shuddered.

"And spit out the bones," he said. "So I can't thank you enough for saving me." The night passed by in an easy flow. For the most part, outside of a run in with the grabby Molly, the night was perfect. It was the first night, in a long time, that I didn't even think about vampires and wolves. Which made it historic almost.

"You really didn't have to walk me up here," I said fishing in my small purse for the key to my apartment.

"You wore heels for me," he pointed out. "It's the least I could do to ensure you made it safely to the door."

"I only tripped once," I protested. He raised one eyebrow. "Okay three times but you only saw the one."

"I'll see you Monday?" He asked. "We have to finish up Ray's stuff." I nodded. He leaned forward and then, hesitantly, placed a gentle kiss on my lips.

"Good night," I said. The smile left my face when I saw Paul reclining on my sofa.

"Hey Cinderella," he said. I tossed my keys onto the hall table.

"What are you doing here?" I snapped. "Leah was supposed to be staying tonight."

"Yeah well Embry got the house to himself suddenly and Leah begged me to take her place," he said.

"Leah and Embry?" I asked incredulously. He nodded. "Geez what a mismatch."

"So pretty boy out there everything you dreamed of?" He asked somewhat condescendingly. I shrugged.

"It was a nice evening," I said vaguely. His eyes took me in with frank admiration.

"Either the guy has massive restraint or he is gay," Paul said. I sighed.

"Good night Paul," I said wearily.


	15. More Than Complicated

**Chapter Fifteen-More Than Complicated**

_Come to me now and lay your hands over me_

_Even if it's a lie say it will be alright_

_And I shall believe. _

_Broken in two and I know you're onto me_

_That I only come home when I'm so all alone_

_But I do believe. _

"_I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow_

"You are dancing on a fine line girl," Kim said slapping the newspaper on the table between us. I flipped it over and saw a picture of Gabriel and I from the night before.

"Financial genius and heir to family fortune Gabriel Smith pictured with mysterious friend Bella Swan," I read. I shuddered and threw the paper onto the table.

"Dumb move," Raven said taking a sip of coffee.

"He didn't tell me until the photographers were already in my face," I said. "Plus it's not like Victoria doesn't know where I am already. I didn't tip her off or anything."

"Paul is going to flip shit," Leah commented blandly. "You two look like the better, saner version of Barbie and Ken."

"I'm trying to find the compliment in that," I said wryly. "But it's just getting lost."

"I know you've been trying to find an out for this supernatural stuff," Raven said. "But there is no way out for you babe. You're in it. You can't pretend like it doesn't exist."

"Oh my fucking god," I said slamming both hands on the table. "Seriously it wasn't even really a date so chill the fuck out."

"She likes him," Kim commented to Raven. "They'd make pretty babies at least." Leah sat in the chair next to me and took my hands in hers. I looked up in surprise. Her dark eyes were serious.

"Bella this isn't some sort of game," she said quietly. "I have known Paul his entire life. You were the first girl he has never hightailed it away from the minute after the deed was over. It may not seem this way to you but that means something." I shook my head.

"Paul is a man whore," I said. "He's not going to change just because I bat my eyes at him." Leah squeezed my hands and I met her eyes again.

"I get to see things in him that you don't," she said. "And I am telling you that if you walk away he will be devastated. Can you do that to him? Can you walk away knowing and living with what you have done?" I pulled my hands away from hers and put them in my lap.

"I don't want to be trapped into a relationship just because Paul wasn't hugged enough as a child," I said petulantly. Kim laughed hollowly.

"Try at all," she said. I looked at her in surprise. "Paul has been on his own for years. Don't you see how he reacts to the slightest touch? Like when Emily hugs him? It's the only human contact he has really ever had."

"His mom was not ready to be a mom," Raven added. "And she treated him that way until she left with some guy. Or that's what I heard."

"He used to take turns crashing at friend's house so he didn't have to sleep alone," Leah said. "And I am not using this as an excuse for his asshole ways, I really am not. I just think you write him off because you don't know everything." I thought about her words as I drove the thirty minutes to my apartment. Did I really shove Paul into some box just because of what I assumed? Or was it that I just didn't have any more to give to anyone?

"You're back early," Paul said. His eyes were wary; guarded.

"Leah sent me away," I said honestly. I curled up into an armchair. "She said I need to stop being a chicken shit and actually talk to you."

"Leah is usually right," he said. "As much as we all hate to admit it."

"She told me about how you grew up," I offered. He looked away.

"I'm sorry she put that on you," he said. "I don't want you to feel sorry for me."

"She thought it might help me get over the fact that you'll screw anything in a skirt," I said. "Don't get mad at her." He sighed.

"I'm not," he said quietly. "It made you come here and actually have a conversation that doesn't include yelling."

"I need to know what you want out of this," I said gesturing at the space between the two of us. "I'm not clear on that at all."

"I want you," he said softly. He lifted his eyes to mine again. "And not just in my bed. I want any part of me that you are willing to give me. I've wanted that for a long time but everyone kept telling me it would just scare you away." I took a shaky breath.

"I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not," I said honestly. "I let myself fall for first Edward and then for Jake and look what happened. You can't expect me not to be cautious."

"There's cautious and then there is ice queen," he said. "You've been completely freezing me out."

"It's easier than admitting the truth," I said slowly. He closed his eyes briefly and then opened them again.

"I'm not saying this is going to be easy," he said slowly. "We're going to fight and it's going to be hard. It's going to be really hard. But I want this. I want you." He slid to his knees on the floor in front of me; hands touching my knees gently. I started to close my eyes but he lifted a single finger to my chin; forcing me to meet his open gaze.

"Paul," I said trying to look away. He held my chin firmly with just that single finger. I realized then just how much strength he had and how gentle he really had been.

"Don't," he said softly. "I hate it when you hide from me."

"We have to do this slowly," I said finally. "We did everything wrong." He smiled.

"Not everything," he teased. I met his gaze steadily.

"I mean it Paul," I said. "We jumped into bed before we even knew each other."

"So set a timeline," he said. "Like a goal."

"Six weeks," I said. "We spend time actually getting to know one another for the next six weeks. If we don't kill each other before it's over we can give this is real shot."

"And GQ?" He asked with a sneer.

"He's my friend," I said. "But I won't take it any further than that until we settle things between us." He released my chin and stuck out his hand. I took it and he shook firmly.

"Deal," he said flashing that perfect smile.


	16. All I Need

**Chapter Sixteen: All I Need**

_Say something I'm giving up on you_

_I'll be the one if you want me to_

_Anywhere I would have followed you_

_Say something I'm giving up on you. _

"_Say Something" by A Great Big World_

"I'm sorry what?" I asked Ray as I sat nervously in the chair in front of him. He smiled.

"Gabe agreed to take over the financial side of Roth," he repeated. "He'll report directly to you."

"Why me?" I asked dumbly.

"Honestly because he's familiar with you already and every other person in the office is a woman who might drool all over his Armani suits," Ray said. I made a face.

"He's not that good looking," I said.

"Well tell me how you really feel," Gabe said from the door. I jumped and both Ray and Gabe laughed.

"Bella's picky," Ray noted. "I don't think I have met one girl that didn't cream her panties looking at your big blue eyes bro." I shoved my fingers into my ears like a child. Gabe pulled them out and took a seat, sprawling carelessly next to me in the uncomfortable chair.

"I was promised a new office," I said. Ray grinned.

"It's the one next to mine," he said. "Gabe is down the hall because Claire wouldn't give up her office. Think she has a crush on me?"

"Vain much?" Gabe asked, sounding slightly bored. Ray tossed a manuscript at him which he dodged easily. It slid harmlessly down the door.

"Come on Bella," Ray said. "Let's get you settled into your office." He took me to the office next door. It was only slightly smaller than his space but had a better view than his. He explained that I just had to go through some catalog and pick out what I wanted for the office, including a new desk and chair, and it would be expensed. For now I would be focusing on setting up my work space, working with the authors who already knew me and sitting in on meetings. For someone my age it was almost inconceivable to reach this level in such a short time, even with a smaller publishing company like Roth.

"Where do I get the business cards from?" I asked in the middle of Ray's never-ending speech about recycled paper which I had already been privy to my first day on the job.

"I'll send the link for the website to your company email," Ray said. "Just be sure to give the invoice to the new assistant, when I hire one, for entry."

"Okay get out of my office so I can look at this huge book of whatever the hell this is," I teased when he paused at the door.

"Don't be afraid to order whatever you want," he said with an uncharacteristically serious manner. "You have earned this promotion. Enjoy the fruits of your hard work." I smiled at him and he returned to his office. I thumbed through the catalog, marking the desk and chair I wanted before hesitantly picking out a nameplate for my door, one for my desk and a few bookshelves. I filled out the order form neatly before logging onto the ancient computer Ray had parked on the desk. I tapped my fingers impatiently as it booted up.

"Dude that thing is older than god," Claire said flopping herself down on a hard plastic chair that sat in front of my desk. I mentally make a note to go back and order some more comfortable guest chairs.

"You're telling me," I said. "I'll bring my laptop in tomorrow and have Ray get something faster in here."

"So tell me about you and Gabe," she prompted. I shrugged.

"We went to that event for his work," I said. "There isn't much to tell."

"And the Native American Brad Pitt?" She asked. I rolled my eyes at her description of Paul.

"We're taking it very slowly," I said. "Which is very new for him."

"I thought you two were already dating," she said flipping through the giant catalog.

"We were just friends," I said. "We're trying to see if it can be anything else." I was careful not to go into detail. Claire was a notorious gossip.

"You should order these," she said slapping the catalog down on my desk and pointing to cozy looking waiting room chairs. "They'd look good in here and your authors would be comfortable." I sighed in relief. When I headed for my car at the end of the day I felt strangely exhausted for someone who had essentially only been working on picking out décor for an office.

"You're home early," Paul commented when I opened the door. I tossed my purse and keys onto the table and sank down on the couch next to him.

"Apparently my new promotion came with an empty office. My only task for the day was going through catalogs to fill it up," I said.

"Sounds boring," he said. I shrugged.

"It could have been worse," I offered. "At least I got to pick my own stuff. There was a desk in there but the computer is from like the 80's or something. Took an hour to order business cards because it kept freezing."

"You're getting a new one, right?" he asked. I nodded.

"Ray ordered one from tech but it will be a few days. I'll have to bring my laptop in," I said. "How was your day? Any new stuff going on?" He shook his head.

"Nothing new on Victoria," he said. "Slippery little bitch." I ignored the panic that always accompanied her name.

"She's trying to lull everyone into a false sense of security," I said. "She's playing with us. That's what they do." Paul yawned and hesitantly pulled me to curve into his side. I gave into the warmth and leaned in, breathing in his clean, earthy scent.

"We'll get her soon," he said. "Mark my words."

"You mind if we order Chinese or something for dinner?" I asked. "I am ridiculously lazy today." We ordered enough food to feed an army.

"Aren't we just the picture of domesticity," Paul mused. I smacked his shoulder.

"You wouldn't be staying here if Victoria wasn't around," I pointed out. "Then you would have to take me on a proper date."

"What is this dating you speak of?" He teased. "I know it not."

"It's what is supposed to happen a few times before you crawl into bed with someone," I teased right back. He feigned shock.

"How quaint," he said with a grin. "What are the rules about couches?" I blushed and he moved in for a long, slow kiss that left my heart stuttering to a stop.

"I'll allow it," I said breathlessly when he pulled back hesitantly. He traced my jaw with one hand before sliding it to the base of my neck.

"Just kissing?" He asked quietly. I nodded.

"Just kissing," I repeated. "For now." For the first time we take the time to slowly explore one another. When our tongues touch the movement is slow and sensuous. He tastes inexplicably of cinnamon and mint. His hand on my neck kneads strongly as our mouths explore. The buzzing of the doorbell finally pulls us apart.

"I got it," he said when I made a movement for the door. "You can't keep paying for all the food. I'd bankrupt you in a week." He paid the delivery man and set the veggie lo mein in front of me. He devoured his food in the time it took me to eat half of my helping. He poked his chopsticks into the noodles and helped me finish my order off.

"Pig," I teased as we threw the empty containers into the trash. He tossed me a fortune cookie and opened his.

"It says kiss someone right now," he said. I shook my head and cracked mine open.

"No it doesn't," I said. "Good things are in your future," I read. He tossed his aside.

"Well mine is unhelpful," he said. "It says you only find something when you stop looking."

"I like yours better," I admitted. He pulled me so that I was standing between his legs as he looked up from his seat on the couch.

"Which one?" He asked with that panty-dropping smile. In answer, I bent and pressed my lips to his.


	17. Mistaken

AUTHOR NOTE: Sorry for the lengthy pause here. I came down with strep throat, promptly failed my college Math course and then spent the last two weeks arguing about financial aid. I will post the remainder of the chapters in this story immediately. There may be a sequel but I am working on a Bella/Carlisle story that is taking up most of my creative energy.

**Chapter Seventeen: Mistaken**

_I feel something so right_

_By doing the wrong thing_

_And I feel something so wrong_

_By doing the right thing_

_I could lie, could lie, could lie_

_Everything that kills me makes me feel alive_

"_Counting Stars" by One Republic_

"Damn you look tired," Claire said placing a stack of manuscripts on my temporary desk. The new one was set to arrive later in the afternoon. It had been two weeks since Paul and I kissed in the living room. Since then we had spent hours each night talking and kissing. Unfortunately it seemed like the lack of sleep was catching up to me.

"My neighbor is renovating," I lied. "What's all this?" I asked pointing at the manuscripts.

"Bates sent these in," she said. "He found them under his couch he said? It was hard to hear him, he was slurring a lot." Kyle Bates was an author I had worked to get published a few months earlier. He was notoriously reclusive, much like Salinger but with books that actually made sense.

"He drinks," I said. "And his cabin makes an episode of hoarders look like neat freaks. I'll look through these after my meeting but they are probably just edited versions of what we already published."

"When does the new stuff get here?" She asked.

"Ray and Gabe are taking the desk out in a few minutes here probably. The new desk is scheduled to be delivered but Ray and I have to interview like 90 interns," I answered. "The rest of the stuff will be in tomorrow."

"Lucky bitch," she said. "My office came furnished." I rolled my eyes.

"You helped Maggie pick that stuff out like a month before she moved to New York," I said. She laughed.

"Did you order anything else?" She asked.

"Ray said he ordered something for the wall but it isn't in yet," I said. "And Paul gave me a bobble head for my new desk." She grinned.

"What about Gabe?" She asked. I shrugged. The truth was that I had been avoiding Gabriel as much as possible. Paul had tensely told me that we weren't exclusive and that I could date Gabriel if I wanted but I had shied away from making that decision yet.

"I doubt he got me anything," I said. "I didn't get him anything for his office." She rolled her eyes again.

"His part time office," she said. "I got you a plant. Raul is bringing it up when he cleans the office."

"I kill plants," I said. She grinned.

"Which is why I asked the janitors to water it and such for you," she said.

"We're here to see to the demise of a butt ugly desk," Ray said from the door. I tucked the manuscripts in a corner cabinet and moved to let him and Gabriel in.

"What time is the first interview?" I asked Ray as he and Gabriel started to take apart the ancient desk.

"Noon so you should order in for lunch," he answered. "Maybe sandwiches? I know you love that deli next door."

"You two are like an old married couple," Claire remarked as she left the office.

"Oh yeah she digs me," Ray said and I burst out laughing. "We're going to need a different size screwdriver here. I'll go get one from maintenance." He left, leaving Gabriel and I in awkward silence.

"I have some reports I need to get to you," he said finally. "I've been waiting until you were settled in more." I nodded.

"Whenever is fine," I said. "I can always hop on the computer at my old desk."

"It's just a few expense reports and budget things," he said. "Why have you been avoiding me?" His question came out of the blue and was so direct it made my head spin a little bit.

"I've been busy," I lied. He shook his head.

"I think you are seeing Mr. Complicated and didn't want to hurt my feelings," he said. His blue eyes were alight with something I recognized as jealousy.

"We're keeping it casual for now," I said. "And his name is Paul."

"Then why have you been avoiding me like the plague?" He asked.

"Because I am not sure I am ready to be involved with anyone, even the person I am already involved with," I admitted. Where the fuck was Ray? He probably planned this shit.

"So he gets to see you and I can't even throw my hat into the ring?" He asked. He moved forward so quickly I only had a chance to squeak before I was pressed into my now closed office door.

"Where does that expression even come from?" I asked. "I mean hats can't fight. Why would you throw them into a ring? It would make more sense to say like throw my dog in the ring. At least dogs can fight." I babbled.

"Hush," he said softly just before his lips covered mine. And even though it was so complicated and so twisted I responded, sliding my fingers into his dark hair even as his hands fell to my waist, pulling me firmly against his lean body. "Dinner tonight. I'll pick you up at eight." He released me and I wobbled slightly. He opened the door and not ten seconds later Ray wandered in, muttering vaguely about screwdrivers and hammers while I struggled to compose myself.

"You're having dinner with him?" Paul asked as I blow dried my wet hair. I switched off the dryer so I could talk.

"You have a meeting tonight with the pack," I reminded him. "And you're the one who said I could date whoever until we figured all of this out."

"I'm not arguing," he said holding his hands up almost defensively. "And I'm not mad. Jealous as hell but not mad." I frowned.

"I don't think you should be jealous," I said. "We agreed that this was casual, that we wouldn't be serious to start with." His eyes glittered with ill-concealed anger.

"Those are your terms," he said quietly. "You know what I want, what I have wanted from the start."

"And I still think that you're not as ready for that as you say you are," I said. I ran a brush through my hair and gave up on the idea of blow drying. Instead I pulled out a straightener and plugged it in.

"And if I went out and met a girl in a bar tonight?" He challenged.

"I'm not sleeping with Gabriel," I said quietly even as the straightener beeped. "And we both know that you are incapable of meeting a girl at a bar without fucking her."

"And if I did?" He asked. I raised my eyes to his in the mirror and started to run the straightener over my hair.

"Then our deal would be off," I said. "If that's what you want then go right ahead. But don't come dragging your ass back here saying that you are sorry." He disappeared and I heard the front door slam. My excitement had turned to dread. I knew Paul. I knew his habits but still I pushed this. Why hadn't I said no to Gabriel about dinner? The answer was simple, I was testing Paul. And it seemed like he was destined to fail that test.


	18. Over and Over

**Chapter Eighteen: Over and Over**

_I remember the day you left_

_I remember the last breath you took right in front of me_

_When you said that you would leave_

_I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything_

_But I see clearly now and this choice I made keeps playing in my head_

_Over and over again. _

"_Over and Over" by Nelly featuring Tim McGraw_

Paul wasn't at my apartment when I got home after dinner that night. I knew the pack meeting was over and there was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went about my nightly routine, wiping makeup methodically from my face, braiding my hair carefully and slipping into my pajamas. I curled up on the couch and watched DVR episodes of Game of Thrones until I slipped off to sleep. I was woken at around four a.m. when Paul stumbled through the front door.

"Shhhhhh," he whispered loudly to himself as he slammed into a wall. Or at least I thought he was alone until a feminine whimper hit me like a gunshot.

"God yes," a sickeningly high pitched feminine voice said and I heard Paul groan. Acid bubbled up in my throat and I dashed for the bathroom. As I emerged and made my way cautiously to my bedroom Paul's eyes met mine over blonde hair. I averted my eyes and went to my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I shoved in some earbuds and tried to ignore the pain spreading across my chest. Eventually I gave into the tears and cried until my eyes hurt and my throat was raw. I slept fitfully until 6:30 when it was time to get up for work.

"She's gone," Paul said as I tiptoed cautiously into the living room. He was sitting, head in hands, on the couch almost like he was waiting.

"You're paying to have my couch steam cleaned. Or replaced," I said. I went to the bathroom and closed the door, locking it behind me. Shakily I got ready for work, carefully concealing my red rimmed eyes with more eyeliner than I would normally wear and concealer for the bags under my eyes.

"I am so stupid," Paul said when I unlocked the bathroom door to head back to my room for clothes.

"I can't talk to you about this right now," I murmured. "I'm going to be late for work." He followed me into my bedroom.

"I was angry," he said. "And I couldn't admit it to you." I threw caution to the wind and dressed for work in front of him. I didn't think he would dare touch me.

"You should have said something," I said. "Instead of picking up a slut and fucking her on my couch."

"I didn't fuck her," he said. "I sent her packing when you went to your room."

"You brought her home to MY house to hurt me," I said. "When I have been nothing but honest with you." He scoffed.

"You're far from honest," he said. "Because you won't say how you feel about me because you're scared."

"I'm scared of exactly what happened last night!" I bellowed finally giving into the gnawing pit of anger in my stomach. "I can never tell you how I feel because you will always destroy me like they did." I grabbed my laptop bag and headed for the front door. Paul beat me there.

"It's an excuse," he said. "Another excuse for us not to work this out."

"You made your choice last night," I said quietly. "If you don't move out of my way I will scream this building down. Do not be here when I get home. I'll call Sam to tell him to send someone else." The morning at work went by in a daze. Thanks to Ray I had a new computer and I was able to work on editing without wanting to scream at my computer.

"You look terrible," Ray commented when I showed up in his office for another assistant interview.

"Thanks," I said. "The man whore who has been crashing on my couch brought a slut home last night. I didn't get a lot of sleep." Ray frowned.

"This is that Paul guy you have been seeing?" He asked. I nodded. "I could break his kneecaps," he offered.

"Don't bother," I said. "I was the stupid one. Now who is this interview with?" The interview was with a girl named Felicia Jenkins, otherwise known as the slut from the bar. I struggled to keep a straight face as she sat down in an exaggerated fashion, displaying her fake cleavage for Ray who simply looked bewildered. The interview was a disaster from the minute she said her favorite author was "that guy who wrote the movie that Leo was in, you know the guy that threw the parties and died in a pool" to the minute she "dropped" her resume and bent to display her non-pantied ass to Ray.

"We'll call you when we decide," I said struggling not to laugh as she batted her eyes once more at Ray before leaving with an exaggerated hip sway. I was pretty sure she was the one Paul brought home last night and the thought sobered me up slightly.

"You look like hell babe," Ray said. "Take a half day or work from home or something. I can cover your meeting this afternoon."

"I don't know if I can go home yet," I said.

"Then have Gabe take you to lunch or something," Ray said. "On the company. I need you at full steam babe and you look like someone ran over your puppy."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Don't be sorry," he said gently. "Take care of yourself and come back tomorrow with a few more hours of sleep under your belt."

"…you can't go in there," I heard Claire's panicked voice saying. I turned in time to see Seth skid to a halt in the doorway.

"Watermelon Bells," Seth says just as our paunchy security guard attempts to flying tackle him. Seth barely flinches.

"Hey he's with me," I said. Watermelon was a code the wolves used for me when I was in public but needed immediately with no fuss. I followed him to my car, hands shaking slightly and he took my keys from me to drive.

"Victoria was spotted about a block away," Seth said gunning the engine and tearing through the parking lot. "Paul was leaving your house and she jumped him in an alley. Embry and Quil are chasing her while Jake and Sam get Paul back to the reservation. But we need to get you out of here now."

"I need clothes and stuff," I protested as he tore down the highway toward Forks. I was vaguely impressed with my little car and its abilities.

"Leah will get them. Put your goddamn seatbelt on," he ordered as I lurched sideways on a curve. Too quickly for my liking we were skidding to a stop in front of Sam's house. His truck was there and a loud scream from Paul indicated they had made it back. Despite my feelings toward him that morning my heart almost ripped apart with the sound.

"Look I know shit went down last night," Sam began when he saw me but I brushed him aside.

"Where is he?" I asked.

"Spare room," he said. "She bit him pretty good and he isn't healing." I nearly gagged at the half rotted looking wound in his neck.

"We need to call the Cullens," I said firmly. "Carlisle can help."

"He will kill me Bella," Sam said. Sweat poured from Paul's body and shudders wracked his frame.

"You see how the tissue looks like it is dying?" I asked. Sam nodded. "If we do not get a vampire hear to suck the venom out Paul will bleed out and die. So do you have a better idea than Carlisle?"


	19. Cry Your Name

**Chapter Nineteen: Cry Your Name**

_Maybe I was naïve_

_Got lost in your eyes_

_Never really had a chance_

_My mistake I didn't know to be in love_

_You had to fight to have the upper hand._

_"White Horse" by Taylor Swift_

"He's going to be fine now," Carlisle said. He was slightly disheveled but otherwise looked like everything had gone smoothly. "How did this happen?" He asked. I lost my temper.

"How did this happen?" I asked almost hysterically. I shook Raven's calming hand from my arm. "You guys left me here alone and Victoria has been stalking me for years!" He opened his mouth to speak but I went into the bedroom with Paul and slammed the door. The wound on his neck was healing now, albeit slowly, and some color had returned to his cheeks.

"It's creepy to watch people sleep," he said hazily. I knelt by the bed.

"You probably shouldn't be talking," I said quietly.

"You have this look like you need to say something," he said lifting his finger to brush the furrow between my eyebrows.

"I was worried," I said. "But I just realized that it doesn't change what has already happened." I looked away when tears formed in the corner of my eye.

"So we're not going to try to get past this?" He asked. I shook my head.

"I can't keep doing this to myself Paul," I said. "Feeling this way, hurting all the time because of what you say or do, I can't do it." He closed his eyes and nodded.

"I fucked up," he said quietly. "And now I am paying the price." I turned and fled the room. I fished blindly for my keys only to realize that Seth had them.

"You can't leave," Sam said quietly. "Not alone."

"I can look after her," Carlisle said quietly. He had clearly heard the conversation between Paul and I. I nodded, choosing the lesser of two evils for the moment.

"I'll send Leah tonight and maybe Embry too," Sam said. I nodded.

"There's a house key on the door frame," I said. "Leah should know where it is. They'll drive your car up." I followed Carlisle to his Mercedes and he followed my directions to the apartment.

"I had no idea," he said quietly when we arrived. I didn't look at him.

"Can you just stay out here?" I asked. "I would rather not have you inside." He nodded once and I climbed the steps to my building alone. I was surprised to see Gabriel standing next to my apartment door.

"Ray sent me to check on you," he said.

"Paul was in a car accident," I said. "He's fine but I ended things for good this time. I'm having a really shitty day but tell Ray I'll sleep and be sharp tomorrow." I unlocked my door with the spare key, replaced it and started to shut the door. Gabriel stepped through.

"I'm worried about you too," he said. I sighed and locked the door before kicking off my shoes.

"I'm really trying not to push my rude quota for the day but I can't handle another person in my face asking how I am," I said.

"What about someone who makes you lunch and then watches movies with you until you can sleep?" He asked. My heart contracts painfully at his boyish grin and I feel myself caving in.

"Add a glass of wine and I am sold," I said. I showered while he cooked. Gabriel was different from the men I had been around before. He was more self-assured but without the cockiness of youth. Maybe that was what I truly needed, someone who was older and more settled into life. I slipped on the yoga pants I had grabbed and a tank top before padding barefoot to the kitchen. Gabriel was stirring what looked like fresh made tomato sauce in with some penne.

"Garlic bread just went in," he said. "So about five minutes I think? I made a quick fresh sauce but you didn't have shallot so I just used onion…" I cut off his words with a kiss. His reaction was cautious; hesitant.

"Thank you," was all I said. He nodded and I took out two bowls and forks. I chopped two apples, a pear and sectioned and orange to make a quick fruit salad to go with the meal. We ate at the counter. The sauce was pretty good I had to admit.

"My nanny taught me how to cook," he said as we washed dishes side by side. "She was Italian and had like a hundred grandkids in Italy."

"I learned to cook from a book," I said. "Before then I nearly died as my mother experimented with recipes. My dad only knows how to order pizza or microwave leftovers." We settled onto the couch and selected _The King and I_ from my DVD collection. I let him curl his arm around me and we eventually gravitated closer, my head leaning on his shoulder as he stroked my arm absently. He smelled like some expensive aftershave but not in an overpowering sort of way. Just very manly.

"We forgot the vino," Gabriel said suddenly. I shrugged.

"It's fine," I said. "I think I only had white anyway." There was comfort in this. There was comfort in the lack of pressure he put on me. Paul constantly kept me on my toes and I could never relax around him or fully let my guard down. There was always the pressure to keep up with him or keep him at a distance. Gabriel didn't push. He was just there. I paused the movie and he turned to look at me.

"What's up?" He asked.

"How can you be so calm like you were before when I was flipping out?" I asked. He shrugged.

"I was married when I was your age," he said. "I've been divorced for about five years but I guess I still am used to the possibility of a freak out. I knew your anger wasn't directed at me so I let it go."

"I definitely feel stupid now," I said burying my face in my hands. He touched my shoulder and I looked up.

"Having and showing emotion isn't stupid," he said. "I'm going to hazard a guess and say Paul isn't the first jerk to hurt you. It's not wrong to want to protect yourself from that. It's natural. So as much as yes, I would like to take you to bed and make you forget anyone else ever existed I know that you need time to figure everything out." I blushed at his words but didn't look away from those amazing crystal blue eyes.

"And if I am just too broken to figure it out?" I asked.

"I don't believe for a minute that you won't figure anything out," he said. "But for arguments sake let's just say we worry about that when it comes."

"I worry about getting in too far and one of us getting hurt," I said.

"I can handle myself," he said. "The rest will come naturally or it won't. But I can tell you right now that being here with you, just sitting here, is comfortable. We can start there." I curled back up against him and pressed play on the remote. Just make it through the move, I told myself. Halfway through I fell asleep, the spicy scent of aftershave and Gabriel's steady breathing lulling me to quiet slumber.

"Who the fuck are you?" I heard Leah's loud voice demand. I jarred awake and bolted to my feet. Leah was backing a slightly rumpled Gabriel into a wall while Embry towered behind her.

"Guys this is Gabriel," I said stumbling on the carpet as my feet tried to catch up to my brain. "He's Ray's brother. He's my friend. Back off."

"I should go," Gabriel said warily even when Leah and Embry both relaxed.

"I'll see you in the meeting tomorrow," I said hazily. Before I had a chance to process anything he moved forward, pressed a kiss to my temple and hugged me before leaving.

"Wow he must be hot older guy Kim was talking about," Leah said. I gave her a look.

"The beds in the spare rooms are made up. I only make Paul sleep on the couch because he's an ass. Good night," I mumbled. I stumbled into bed and fell instantly asleep the minute my head touched the pillow.


	20. Blissful Normalcy

**Chapter Twenty: Blissful Normalcy**

_And all my walls stood tall painted blue_

_I'll take them down, take them down_

_And open up the door for you_

_And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies_

_The beautiful kind making up for lost time_

_Taking flight making me feel right. _

"_Everything Has Changed" by Taylor Swift featuring Ed Sheeran_

Life went at a normal pace. Well as normal as you could get with two werewolves sleeping in your apartment. Victoria had vanished once again, gone into deeper hiding according to Carlisle who was now actively pursuing her. Sam wouldn't ease his position of having me followed pretty much at all times but it was mostly Leah and Embry and they stayed hidden. It had been four weeks since Paul got the bite and I hadn't seen him, thankfully, in that time.

"So are you nervous about tonight?" Ray asked leaning in my doorway. Gabriel had arranged for me to come to a family function with him where I would meet his father and some of his other family as well. I shrugged.

"He said your Dad is easier to deal with than monster mom so I figured I was getting a good deal," I said.

"So does this mean you two are officially dating now?" He asked. I rubbed my forehead.

"I hate defining anything," I said. "But we are seeing each other. Trying to take it at a natural pace."

"Sounds smart," he said. "His ex-wife did quite a number on him."

"Can I ask what happened there?" I asked. Ray shrugged.

"They met in high school. He saw a beautiful, sweet theater girl and she saw dollar signs," he answered. "They got married at twenty and when he was about twenty-five he came home from a trip early to find her in bed with five guys." I shuddered.

"Wow," I said. Ray nodded.

"Unfortunately for her there was an infidelity clause in the pre-nup monster mom made her sign. She walked away without a dime," he said.

"She did take the dog though," Gabe said. I jumped because I hadn't noticed him come in.

"Sorry," I said automatically but he just shrugged.

"I would have told you," he said. "Just never came up. I actually came to see if you were ready to head out."

"Twenty minutes?" I asked. "Campbell emailed me and I have been putting off a response."

"I'll wrap up then," he said.

"So who are you bringing tonight?" I teased Ray as I quickly typed the email to my author.

"No one," he said. "So you will be the focus tonight." I threw a book at him and he dodged it, laughing and returned to his own office. Dinner with his family went better than I expected. Everyone was nice and it was blissfully normal. Gabriel held my hand nearly the entire night, even when his nephew teased him about it. We got his car to leave and he turned to me hesitantly.

"Did you want to maybe have a glass of wine at my place?" He asked.

"Sounds nice," I said. His house was set against some hills and woods, the driveway invisible from the street. He led me into the sprawling house almost nervously. It was very sparsely decorated but tastefully done.

"Do you want red or white?" He asked.

"Um white's fine," I said. He brought me a glass and settled onto the couch with a glass of what smelled like bourbon. The wine was crisp and surprisingly delicious and light.

"So I'm sorry if my family asked too many questions," he said. "They tend to do that."

"It's fine," I said. "They were an interesting bunch." He put his glass down and took mine from me gently. Then his lips touched mine, gently at first and then more firmly when I didn't pull away. His lips tasted like bourbon and I swiped my tongue over them to catch the lingering flavor. His lips opened and his tongue met mine. Lightly at first and them again and again until I was dizzy and practically drunk on his taste.

"I want you," he murmured quietly when our lips parted. And I found the courage to utter the words I had been trying to swallow.

"I want you too," I said softly. He stood and held out one hand, waiting with one eyebrow arched. I took it without hesitating and followed him down a few hallways and into his room. He flipped on the light, revealing a large bed with snow white sheets and a huge fluffy looking comforter. He released my hand and moved swiftly around the room, lighting candles I hadn't seen and the scent of lavender filled the air. He flipped the light off again and the room glowed softly now instead. He pulled me in for a slow, deep, burning kiss that left me swaying slightly. I recovered enough to help him pull my shirt over my head and unzipped my skirt and let it fall.

"God but you're beautiful," he whispered trailing his hand along my stomach. The rest of our clothes disappeared as our hands wandered. His touch was firm but not rough at all. He was in amazing shape, and coming from a girl who hung around with werewolves that was saying something. I let my fingers wander over his chest and he closed his eyes at the touch.

"It's been awhile huh?" I asked as he leaned into my touch like a cat being stroked. His blue eyes opened and met mine.

"I haven't slept with anyone since I left my wife," he said quietly. Shock must have shown on my face because he laughed softly. "I had offers but I never wanted anyone in my bed. Until now."

"Way to put the pressure on," I teased. I inhaled sharply when he ran both slightly rough palms over my nipples.

"No pressure," he said softly. He bent his head and pressed kisses to the skin there. "Just two people enjoying each other." We fell into bed and laughed as we got tangled in the ridiculously poofy comforter.

"Very erotic," I said wryly. In answer his mouth fell to one nipple. It has been awhile since Paul and I was so sensitive to every touch and the feeling of his wet tongue on my nipple flooded my body with pleasure. For someone so out of practice he sure knew how to play a woman's body like a fine instrument. His mouth and hands worked me to a fever pitch. He pulled away and I heard the tearing of a foil packet and watched as he rolled the condom on with shaking hands. I urged him to his back and straddled his hips.

"Like this?" He asked running a shaking hand up my stomach, to between my breasts and flattening there. I lowered myself onto him in response. His eyes closed and his hand fell away from my skin.

"Yes, like this," I said with as much composure as I could manage. We moved together effortlessly and soon were both panting; sweat beading on our skin. He caught my hands in his as I moved to adjust and lifted his hips to mine. I felt like a bomb had gone off and I vaguely heard a groan before I collapsed on top of him. He stroked my sweaty back soothingly as I came down from my orgasm. He lifted me gently to remove the condom and turned to dispose of it.

"What an ending to a drought," he said. His lips curved into a slight smirk as he pulled me into his side. I pressed my face to his shoulder and threaded one leg through his. He pulled the sheets over us and lifted my chin with one finger. His kiss this time was gentle, slow and full of the intimacy we had just shared.

"Gabriel I," I began but he shushed me.

"We can talk in the morning," he said quietly. "Let's just enjoy this moment." There would be plenty of time to talk in the morning, I agreed in my head. Tomorrow was Saturday, we were both off…and I drifted to sleep at that moment.


	21. Stumble

**Chapter Twenty-One: Stumble**

_Curtain's call is the last of all_

_When the lights fade out all the sinners crawl_

_So they dug your grave and the masquerade_

_Will come calling out at the mess you've made._

"_Demons" by Imagine Dragons_

"…can't move her. Too much on the floor," a voice I vaguely recognized roused me from sleep.

"Bella don't move an inch," Sam's voice ordered. I opened my eyes in disorientation. Everything was so…red. I scrubbed the sleep from my eyes. Gabriel's bed sheets were white so why did I see so much red?

"What are you doing here?" I asked sleepily. I turned my head and met Gabriel's blue eyes. "Morning," I said. When he didn't respond I opened my eyes more. And screamed until I was hoarse. Gabriel, and the bed we were both laying in, was soaked in blood. His eyes were open, not in greeting, but frozen open in death.

"Fuck this," I heard Paul say. A second later strong, hot hands lifted me from the bed. I clung to Paul even as I looked around in disorientation. Everything was red, even the plush white carpet. It made horrible, squishing noises as Paul walked me away from the bed. Did the human body even contain enough blood to cause this much damage? Not one body evidently. I screamed again when I saw Ray's crumpled body, then Claire, then Hurricane Amber and finally Ray and Gabriel's father.

I threw up over Paul's shoulder while he made shushing noises to me. I hadn't realized I was still screaming until I tried to swallow and tasted blood as my raw throat scraped together. There were voices talking, discussing how to handle this and I threw up again.

"For fuck's sake can someone give her a shirt or something?" I heard Sam hiss and I realized only then that I was still naked. Paul set me on my feet and a shirt was pulled over my head. Shaking hands steadied me.

"Leah is on her way," Paul told me quietly. "She's going to take you to her house."

"What about them?" I managed to whisper and tears sprang to my eyes once more.

"You let us worry about this," he said. "This is not your fault, do you hear me?" He asked. I ignored the question. Leah arrived and swore viciously.

"Either Swan went nuts of bitch-toria struck again," she said.

"We think she was drugged," Sam said. His fingers brushed over the crease in my elbow and I saw a large bruise and what looked like a needle mark.

"What are you guys going to do?" Leah asked.

"You're going to take Bella to her apartment to get some things and then to her house. Then we are going to make sure no one knows that Bella was here," Sam said.

Two hours later I sat at Leah's small kitchen table, an untouched mug of tea in front of me, still unsure of what they meant. Even they couldn't erase every last trace of my presence there. I had been in the living room, in his bed, there was the condom in the trash can…maybe I deserved to go to jail. It would keep everyone else safer. I could call and confess, tell them I had some sort of mental breakdown. Which could be true for all I knew. I had no idea what happened that night.

It wasn't until after 9PM that Jared, Sam, Paul, Jake and Embry stumbled into Leah's house looking tired and disheveled. The blood on their hands made me remember that I still must have blood all over me. I stood abruptly and everyone looked at me in surprise.

"I think I need a shower," I said vaguely.

"I'll show you where the bathroom is," Paul said, exchanging a look with Sam. I brushed his help off.

"I can find it myself," I said. "You all should just go. You've done enough for the day." I didn't even look in the mirror as I peeled the bloody shirt from my skin and stepped under the water. I washed my hair three times before the water finally ran clear and threw up just as many times. What had Gabriel or Ray or Amber ever done to deserve this? The only thing that ended their lives was knowing me. Paul found me twenty minutes later, huddling under the freezing water. He switched the water off and wrapped me in a huge blanket.

'I'm wet," I protested hazily trying to push his hands away. He slapped my hands away from his.

"You're going to get hypothermia or something," he snapped. "Leah left you some warm pajamas in the room you will be in. Carlisle is here to take your blood to find out what the red headed bitch drugged you with."

"What does it matter?" I asked. Dropping the blanket. His eyes widened but he turned away as I dressed.

"You will get past this," Paul said when I was dressed. "If I have to drag you kicking and screaming through it I will."

"You know what I want?" I asked belligerently. "I want you to leave me alone. You are a constant reminder of the fact that if you hadn't fucked up I never would have been there with Gabriel last night. So run along home to whatever slut is warming your bed tonight. I don't want or need you here." Hurt filled his eyes but he backed up.

"I won't bother you again," he said softly. I waited for five minutes to ensure he was gone before dragging myself listlessly into the kitchen. Carlisle had his medical bag open.

"Let's get this over with," I snapped holding out my uninjured arm.

"I'm pretty sure it was morphine," Carlisle said as he worked. "More than a clinical dose but not enough to overdose you. Just enough to make sure you wouldn't wake up until morning." He smoothed a band aid over the puncture mark.

"I don't care if I was drugged," I said. "It was my fault whether any of you want to admit it or not."


	22. Numb

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Numb**

_It doesn't hurt me_

_You wanna feel how it feels?_

_You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me_

_You wanna hear about the deal I'm making_

_You, you and me_

_And if I only could make a deal with god_

_Get him to swap our places_

_Be running up that road_

_Be running up that hill. _

"_Running Up That Hill" by Placebo_

It had been six months. Six months, seventeen days and eighteen hours to be precise since I had woken up to that horror scene. I didn't sleep more than an hour at a time and often woke up screaming. Leah had originally stayed in her own bedroom but as time progressed she had taken to curling in bed with me to keep the nightmares at bay when she could. And I…I couldn't feel anything. I existed outside of my own body most days, and hours would pass and I wouldn't, couldn't move.

"She's dropped to like eighty pounds," I heard Leah whisper to Carlisle when he came to check on me one day. "That can't be any kind of healthy." As a result Carlisle came daily to administer IV fluids and nutrients because I couldn't eat. Food just make me sicker when I had tried to eat to shut Leah up.

"You look like hell," Paul said from the doorway during one of my first IV sessions. I didn't even bother to look up.

"Go away Paul," I said automatically.

"No seriously you look like a walking skeleton," he said. "Worse than when the leech left you."

"Don't antagonize her," Carlisle said quietly to Paul.

"Why?" He challenged. "It's not like she can hurt herself any more than she already has."

"He's just trying to get me to yell," I said quietly. "It won't work."

The days dragged on and Victoria still hadn't been caught. Since her massacre I hadn't even left Leah's house and she had once again vanished. This time no one was letting their guard down, should I want to leave, but I didn't even attend pack meetings. Due to the number of vampire attacks the pack had swelled to probably thirty members, some of who had just returned to the reservation from college or a long visit or other custody arrangements. I know the original pack members didn't blame me but I blamed myself.

It was a week later when I met the first new pack member. Leah had a doctor's appointment in Port Angeles and he was the only one who volunteered for the mission. I was sitting in the living room, reading listlessly through a tattered copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ when Leah let him in. She glanced briefly at me before taking him into the kitchen. I caught a glimpse only of dark hair, muscled frame and tan skin before they disappeared into the kitchen. After a few minutes Leah appeared in the doorway.

"Carlisle should be in here in about two hours for your IV. Carter is going to hang here with you until I am back," she said. I tried to smile at her but probably failed miserably. Carter shuffled into the room behind Leah. He was probably the best looking of the wolves I had seen. He was older, probably thirty or so, but looked very in shape like the rest of the wolves.

"I'm Carter Black," he said with a wave. His eyes were pretty too, I noticed without much interest, more like someone cataloging information for later use. They were a dark brown but with golden lights near the pupil.

"You must be related to Jake in some way," I said. He nodded and smiled.

"We're cousins of a sort. I'm actually more closely related to Sam," he said. "I think we'll be fine here Leah but I will call if I need you." She looked at me dubiously. Months of caring for me had turned her into a more softened version of herself. She still had a zero bullshit tolerance but when it came to me she was like a mother lion with her cub.

"Leah come on, you've been putting this off for months. Go. I have my book and Carlisle will be here soon," I said. "Take my car if you want. Yours is making that god awful squealing noise."

"Okay," she said. She dropped a kiss on my cheek and left. Carter stood awkwardly for a minute before sitting down next to me.

"You can do whatever," I said. "You're not stuck here doing nothing while I read."

"Nothing would be a welcome reprieve," he said. "Sam is really intense with these pack history lessons. Nevermind that I left high school ten years ago." I closed my book and reached for the glass of ice water on the coffee table.

"What does he have you doing?" I asked. He leaned back into the couch.

"We take shifts reading all of the legends and even the records of pretty much every meeting this tribe ever had. It's exhausting," he said.

"How did you…" I let my voice trail off when I realized how rude the question was. He smiled, showing strong white teeth.

"Become a wolf?" He asked. "I actually just finished my contract with the Army and came home to clear up some family stuff. Imagine my surprise at going all furry one day instead."

"Yeah well at least you didn't choose this," I said.

"None of us did," he said quietly. I curved my legs underneath me.

"I did," I said. "I fell in love with a vampire and then a werewolf."

"Well I don't know the whole story but I do know that love isn't always a choice," he said. "Sometimes it just happens."

"And sometimes you need to learn to be cautious. Unfortunately my lesson came at a price," I said. I opened my book, effectively ending our conversation. A few minutes later a plate appeared in front of me with half a sandwich, a cut up apple and a mug of what smelled like chicken broth. I looked up in surprise.

"You need to eat something," Carter said in explanation. "Leah said you wouldn't but I told her you might if I asked."

"I can't eat," I said. "I've tried before and it just gets stuck." He pushed the broth at me.

"If you can drink water you can drink broth. And the sandwich is only peanut butter so it won't be hard to swallow. But there's OJ there too to help," he said. "Come on don't you want to get rid of those ridiculous IVs?" I took a sip of the broth, mostly to appease him, but soon ended up drinking the full mug of soup. It took about an hour to put away the peanut butter sandwich and when Carlisle arrived I was nibbling on the apples while drinking orange juice. He looked shocked but quickly recovered.

"So you were hungry today?" He asked as he did his normal cursory exam. I shrugged.

"Carter didn't take no for an answer," I said. Carlisle looked up briefly.

"How is your stomach doing?" He asked. I shrugged again.

"Good so far," I answered. "But I didn't eat much. Just broth and a peanut butter sandwich."

"Well as long as you eat there is no need for the IV," he said. "Do you think you might be able to drink like an Ensure once a day? It would help you get extra vitamins."

"Maybe," I said. "I can drink water."

"And orange juice," Carter cut in helpfully. I glared at him but all he did was grin.

"I'll be back tomorrow and I will bring a few flavors. In the meantime add some of the Metamucil I am leaving to some of the water you are drinking. Should help your body process the food a little better. I'd like to ease you into this," Carlisle said.

"Don't get all excited," I grouched. He smiled.

"It's a step in the right direction," he said. He produced a small bottle of very tiny pills. "This is for any nausea you might have. Only use it if you have to otherwise try to keep eating, even if it is basic like broth and crackers." When he left Carter grinned at me.

"I'm going to be a hero when the guys hear," he joked. I shot him another dirty look and went back to my book.


	23. New Problems

**Chapter Twenty-Three: New Problems**

_But I'm caught between what you wanted from me_

_And knowing if I give that to you_

_I might just disappear_

_Nobody wins when everyone's losing. _

"_Not Meant to Be" by Theory of a Deadman_

It took another three months for me to gain the weight I had lost back. I slowly came back to myself. To Leah's relief I started cooking meals for the both of us, as well as whatever other errant wolf showed up at her house. To my surprise Carter had been there every day since we met, always urging me to eat more and eventually starting to tease me about the new curves that appeared on my frame. To my surprise I found that I enjoyed the company, especially his, and soon even Leah felt comfortable enough to tease me about it.

"He's definitely a head turner," she said over coffee one morning. I shrugged.

"I don't really think about that much," I said truthfully. I hadn't had the time or energy since Gabriel to think about men in a romantic sense.

"I believe that," she said. "But eventually you will again."

"Maybe," I said. "I think I am done for awhile at least." As if on cue Paul sauntered through the door.

"I smelled bacon and thought you guys might want to feed me," he said with a grin.

"It's in the oven. I better start the pancakes," I said.

"Leave her alone Paul," Leah said warningly as I turned to grab the pancake mix.

"I haven't done anything," he protested as I started to mix the batter.

"You have that look," Leah said.

"Whatever you say," he said. They bantered back and forth but I didn't try to follow much. I had found that if I tried to follow too many things at once I grew overwhelmed. So I typically tried to just do one thing at a time to avoid that. Leah's phone rang halfway through breakfast and she excused herself to talk. I assumed it was Embry. She thought I didn't know but she had been sneaking him into the house while I slept.

"Are you done?" I asked Paul pointing at his cleaned plate. He nodded and I took it to the sink. As I was washing the dishes I felt him moving to stand behind me. I tried not to flinch when his hands fell to my hips.

"Are you and I ever going to talk again?" He asked quietly directly into my ear. I gave him a gentle push and reached for a clean dish towel to dry the plate.

"I really don't think there is anything to talk about," I said. He took the dry plates from me and put them in the cupboard. "We said everything that needed to be said. And you should move on. I want that for you."

"And if I still want you?" He asked reaching for my hand. I let him clasp it briefly before pulling away.

"This isn't like before Paul," I said wearily. "I've been through too much. I don't even know if I can feel like that about anyone ever again. And that's not fair to you." He moved toward the door and then paused, looking over his shoulder.

"I'll keep trying," he promised. I shook my head.

"I wish you wouldn't," I said quietly as he left but I knew he heard. Leah returned just then.

"So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if Embry and I went up to PA today?" She asked looking slightly guilty. I forced a smile.

"I'm fine here alone," I assured her. She shook her head.

"No you don't chica," she said. "Carter is on his way over. He's going to work on the roof for me actually."

"Two birds, one stone. Babysitter and handyman," I said. She frowned.

"It's not like that Bella," she said. I sighed.

"I know," I said. "I was just going to try to take a walk today." She smiled.

"I am sure Carter would take you," she said. "If you ask nicely."

"Go get ready," I said. "Is it safe to assume you won't be home tonight?" She bit her lip.

"If you don't mind," she said. I smiled.

"One of us should be having a good time," I said. She bounced off to get ready and I shook my head. I had a theory that Leah and Embry would beat Raven and Jake to the altar. Raven had never considered getting married before meeting Jake but Jake had put the pressure on recently. This was all according to Kim who dropped by once a week with the reservation gossip.

"Someone is deep in thought," Carter said from the door way.

"Sorry you keep getting stuck here with me," I said.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. Plus Paul volunteered and I didn't think you'd want to deal with him for 24 hours," he joked. Leah appeared, looking radiant.

"Do you mind if I take your car?" She asked me. I shrugged. I never used it much, at least not yet.

"That's fine," I said. "Just text me please to let me know you guys are okay every now and then?" She hugged me and was gone in a cloud of Chanel number five.

"So a little bird texted and said you might like a walk," he said. I bit my lip.

"If you don't mind?" I asked. He smiled.

"Let's go," he said. We didn't speak much for the first half of the walk. "So I saw Paul on the way over. He was in a bit of a tizzy." I nodded.

"I told him he needed to move on," I said. "He didn't take it very well. He can be stubborn."

"Why do you think he needs to move on?" He asked. I sighed.

"It's hard to explain," I said. "But I am done. I don't have the energy to fight anymore and all Paul and I do is fight. If I am with someone ever again it will be boring and normal but I doubt I will be in a relationship ever again."

"Why would you think that?" He asked. I shrugged.

"I don't…feel anymore. Yeah I feel normal things like guilt when I inconvenience Leah or anger when I think of Victoria but everything else…" I couldn't finish my thought.

"I notice sometimes when someone touches you that you tend to flinch," he said. "You try to hide it I think, so as not to hurt their feelings, but I see it."

"If I can't be touched or touch in return what kind of relationship does that make?" I asked.

"You do know that you don't flinch when I touch you, right?" He asked. Before I could answer he took my hand and he was right, I didn't so much as flinch. In fact the warmth was comforting to me.

"Familiarity?" I asked. He smiled.

"If you say so," he said softly.


	24. Catharsis

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Catharsis**

_Looking out from underneath_

_Fractured moonlight on the sea_

_Reflections still look the same to me_

_As before I went under_

_And it's peaceful in the deep_

_Cathedral where you cannot breathe_

_No need to pray, no need to speak_

_And now I am under_

_And it's breaking over me_

_A thousand miles down to the sea bed_

_Found a place to rest my head._

"_Never Let Me Go" by Florence and the Machine_

"You want to jump off of a fucking cliff?" Leah screeched at me the next day. I shrugged.

"I need to do something Leah," I said. "I feel like I am trapped inside of my own skin."

"And jumping off of a cliff accomplishes anything how?" She asked.

"I need to," I said. "So are you going to take me there or do I need to call someone else?" Fifteen minutes later we were walking up the path to the highest cliff.

"So is this like some sort of baptism shit?" She asked.

"Something like that," I said.

"You're not trying to kill yourself?" She asked. I shot her a glare.

"If I wanted to kill myself I would have snuck out any of the fifteen thousand times you and Embry were trying to break your bed," I said.

"Point taken," she said. "And after you jump off the cliff what happens?" I shrugged.

"I'll figure it out then," I said.

"Alrighty then," she said sarcastically as we reached the top. It was a phenomenal view, complete with dazzling sunlight reflecting on the water.

"See you at the bottom," I said. I jumped just as she reached to grab my arm. The fall probably only took a few seconds but it felt like an hour to me. There was freedom in it. There were no expectations, no pressures, no feelings. I landed in the water with a splash. It was cold, as it always was, but the cold woke up my skin. An elated laugh bubbled from my lips when I broke the surface. I couldn't stop laughing even as I made my way to the shoreline where an angry looking Leah stood waiting.

"Seriously I about had a heart attack…why the hell are you laughing?" She asked. I threw my arms around her instead of answering.

"It worked," I managed to get out between laughs.

"What worked?" She asked sounding confused. "Why are you laughing?" I pulled back.

"Because I finally felt something," I tried to explain. "I felt alive for the first time since that night." She pulled me back to her and hugged me tightly.

"What are you going to do now?" She asked when she released me.

"I'm going to live," I said. We headed down the beach to where I had stashed dry clothes. I changed quickly and she guided me down the beach to Sam and Emily's house.

"You sure you are ready for everyone?" She asked at the back door. I nodded and took a step inside. I was practically tackled as Jake, Sam, Embry, Quil, Jared and Seth rushed me all at once. I accepted their bear hugs and then Raven, Emily and Kim's hugs as well. Paul gave me a nod and a small smile but made no move toward me. My eyes locked with Carter's and he was smiling, the golden lights in his dark eyes all lit up. I moved toward him without thinking, caught up in my own instincts and reactions. He caught me easily against his large frame as I practically hurled myself into his arms. He pressed his face into my hair and I pressed my nose into his neck.

"What's going on there?" I heard Kim ask Jared.

"I'm not entirely sure," I heard him murmur back.

"I do," Paul practically snarled. The front door slammed and I assumed he had fled.

"Now I'm confused," Sam said. Carter released me but pulled me into his side.

"Don't worry about it," Carter said quietly. "Everything is fine."

"Paul's just angry," I said. "I think he assumed we would be together once I…got better." Sam arched one eyebrow.

"And now you're with Carter?" He asked. Carter cut in.

"Let's not label anything," he told Sam. The two stared at each other for a minute, almost like they were having a secret conversation, before Sam spoke again.

"Paul will get over it," he said instead of pressing the issue. I breathed a short sigh of relief until Paul reappeared in the doorway. He nodded to me.

"Can I talk to you?" He asked. "Alone?" He said pointedly. I nodded and followed him out the back door, through a path and down to the beach.

"What's up?" I asked. He turned to face me.

"I always thought we would move past everything once you…were you again," he said. I sighed and rubbed my forehead.

"Paul we weren't together when everything happened," I said. "I wouldn't have spent the night with Gabriel had I still been in love with you." He looked shocked.

"You were in love with me?" He asked in a small voice.

"Yes," I admitted. "But I never trusted you enough to tell you. And that's the point. Even if we could…get past everything I would never be able to trust you."

"But you trust Carter?" He asked.

"I'm getting there," I said. "I'm sorry Paul. I just," my voice was cut off by his lips covering mine. I wanted to pull back or push him away but, as always with Paul, it just felt too good. His hands curled into my hair and my hands grasped at his arms. Then my mind caught up with my hormones and I pulled away.

"Tell me that you didn't feel anything and I will walk away Bella," he said in a low voice. I shook my head when his hands curled into my hair again.

"Don't do this Paul," I whispered. "We both know what will happen here." He moved closer until our bodies were pressed together.

"And what's that?" He asked. I closed my eyes.

"We'll fight, then we'll have sex, and then we'll fight some more. I can't be in a relationship like that," I said. "I'm not strong enough for it." I pulled away and walked away resolutely.


	25. Nowhere and Everywhere

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Nowhere and Everywhere**

_So many times you always wanted more_

_Chasing illusions that you're longing for_

_Wish I wasn't crying_

_Can you hear me crying?_

"_Only an Ocean Away" by Sarah Brightman_

"So you and Carter," Leah said the next morning over breakfast. Since it was her turn to "cook" we ended up with cereal and orange juice.

"Nothing happened," I said automatically. She snorted into her cereal.

"Bella I live in the next room. I am well aware that nothing has happened," she said. "I just was wondering about you and your feelings."

"He's a nice guy," I said honestly. "I am just…hesitant about any kind of relationship right now. I don't think I will ever be…whole again. And it's not really fair to the other person, whoever it is."

"And Paul?" She asked.

"Paul and I will never be together again," I said quietly. "He decided that when he brought a girl into my house."

"Bells that was over a year ago," she said. "He's been practically a monk since."

"I told him we would try," I said shoving my half-eaten cereal aside. "He asked me not to sleep with Gabriel and I agreed. Then I told him if he slept with someone we would no longer be trying. He made the choice, Leah. He can't ask for me to be faithful and then refuse the same. He practically shoved me at Gabriel. Maybe if he hadn't…" I let my voice trail off. I couldn't finish that sentence.

"So you blame Paul," she said.

"I know it's not rational but I can't get past it," I answered.

"And Carter?" She asked. I took her empty cereal bowl, dumped mine in the sink and started to wash them both.

"Carter is sweet," I said. "Yes he's good looking but he doesn't throw it around. He's smart, funny, caring."

"Damn you make me sound like a golden retriever," Carter said. I dropped the bowl in surprise and it shattered in the sink, slicing my hand as it shattered.

"Son of a bitch," I said turning on the cold water and carefully pulling the glass from the cut. It wasn't terribly deep but I knew from experience that it would need stitches.

"Shit I'm sorry," Carter said. He cupped my hand underneath the water gently.

"I'm buying you a bell," I snapped. The water stung but we finally got the wound to stop bleeding. By then Leah had summoned Carlisle who efficiently stitched up the wound.

"You're looking healthy," he commented while carefully smoothing ointment over the stitches.

"I'm feeling better," I admitted. "More myself. Well I'm getting there," I amended. He raised his golden eyes to mine.

"Would now be okay to ask you something?" He asked. I shrugged.

"Depends on what it is," I said. He covered the wound with a big gaze pad and wrapped it with the self-sticking medical tape.

"We think it may draw Victoria out if all of us come back to the area," he said. I let it sink in. All of us. Meaning Edward too. I vocalized this.

"Including Edward?" I asked. He inclined his head.

"It's something the wolves and I have been talking about for several months. Sam won't agree unless he thinks you are emotionally ready for it," he said.

"And you think I should agree?" I asked.

"It's a risky play," he answered. "I won't lie to you about that. But if Victoria even thinks Edward would come back for you…it will make her reckless. She'll make a mistake. The only reason she hasn't gone in for the kill before was because he wasn't around to watch. If he came back well to put it bluntly she'd be more likely to go after you."

"No," Carter said from the door. Both Carlisle and I looked up in surprise. "We're not using Bella as bait. Sam has been clear on that."

"He has been clear that he didn't think she was emotionally stable enough," Carlisle corrected.

"Does anyone here care that I am sitting right here?" I asked. I turned to Carter. "This decision doesn't involve you." He tensed and released his jaw several times before turning on his heel and disappearing.

"You could have been a little more tactful," Carlisle said with a wry grin. "Anyone can tell he is head over heels for you."

"And I am sick of everyone trying to protect me," I said. "I never asked for it."

"You know I don't judge," Carlisle began. "But you have been a glorified vegetable for almost a year it seems. Protecting you was kind of a given. Some people can't just turn that off because you snapped out of it." I looked away from his eyes. They were too much like Edward's for my liking at the moment.

"I'll think about what you said," I said quietly. He nodded once and left. So the Cullen clan wanted to come back to town. The chances of people noticing they hadn't aged was pretty slim so there was always the risk there. I didn't want to bring down the Volturi on the innocent people of Forks. I didn't want the Cullens here at all if I were being honest but I did want this over. I was tired of looking over my shoulder and tired of relying on other people to take care of me.

"You're going to say yes aren't you?" Carter asked quietly from the doorway.

"I can't see another way out of this," I admitted. "This could get uglier."

"We can protect you," Carter said. He crossed the room and fell to his knees in front of me. I looked away from his whiskey colored eyes.

"You don't understand," I whispered. "I can't…I won't make it if I lose someone else. And I would never forgive myself if I thought that I could have done something to stop all of this before it gets even more out of hand." Two fingers grasped my chin and he forced me to meet his gaze.

"I'm only going to ask you one time and I promise I will never bring it up again," he began. Dark lashes swept to touch his tanned cheeks before he raised his gaze to mine again. "If that leech…I mean Edward…were to want you back what would you say?"

"I'd tell him that I am not the girl he fell in love with," I said honestly. "I'm not as naïve as I used to be. Being immortal isn't a dream, it's a nightmare." God I could practically drown in his eyes. Such a pretty shade of brown, so unlike my mud colored orbs.

"And if I told you that I wanted to kiss you right now?" He asked. I swallowed hard. Paul's kiss had caught me by surprise. I didn't have time to think about it before it happened. My eyes flicked down to his lips and back to his eyes again. The truth was Paul's kiss had woken up a side of me I thought was buried. And Carter was doing the rest with his eternally gentle hands and whiskey eyes.

"I'd say that I want to," I said honestly. "But that I don't want to hurt you the way I hurt Paul." His hand slid up to cup my cheek.

"I'm not Paul sweet girl," he murmured. His lips touched mine softly; almost a question. I let the kiss continue until a throat clearing pulled us apart. Sam stood in the doorway, an amused look on his face He nodded to me.

"Can we take a walk?" He asked. I stood and moved around Carter.

"Sure," I said. Just as I got to the front door with Sam I heard Carter mutter something that sounded like "of all the rotten fucking luck." I couldn't agree more.


	26. Give In

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Give In**

_You're gonna take my hand_

_Whisper the sweetest words_

_And if you're ever sad I'll make you laugh_

_I'll chase the hurt_

"_Give Into Me" Garrett Hedlund and Leighton Meester_

"So Carlisle said he talked to you," Sam said. I rolled my eyes and kicked a rock on the driveway.

"It was like ten seconds ago," I said. He smiled.

"We all move fast," he reminded me. "What are your thoughts about what he suggested?"

"I think it's probably the only option we have left," I admitted. "Though I can't say I am thrilled with the idea of seeing any of them again."

"You realize that you'll have to spend time with them," Sam said. "To draw her out."

"I hadn't thought of it," I said honestly. "But I can do what needs to be done." Sam placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"I don't want you to think I am pressuring you," he said. "You can say no and we will figure something else out."

"Something that gets us vampires with psychic powers and mind reading abilities?" I asked He shook his head. "Yeah I thought so. It's pretty much the only option Sam, as much as I hate it."

"Then I will tell Carlisle to make the call," he said. "And you should stop by later. Emily wants to have tea with someone and everyone else is driving her crazy." I nodded once and he loped off in the direction of his house and I turned to Leah's house to see Carter framed in the doorway.

"I wish you would have taken the out he gave you," Carter said. His expression was guarded but resigned.

"I'm sick of fate being outside of my hands," I said. "Do you want to watch a movie or something?" He let the subject drop and followed me inside. I picked a comedy Leah and I saw the week before and curled up next to him on the couch. There was a comfort in his touch that I had never known anywhere before. Jake has been familiar and warm but it always seemed like such a stretch to snuggle comfortably. Paul was more urgent in his touches and every time I was around him I had been on edge. Carter was a blend of comfort and strength that had me leaning into him; craving more contact. He looked down at me when the movie was over.

"Seth Rogen is amazing," he said with a grin.

"Yeah he's hilarious," I said. "Do you want to watch another?" He shook his head.

"I'm not sure why I am so damn tired," he said with a yawn. "Come here," he said sleepily. He pulled me into his arms, kicked off his shoes and curled us both, somehow, onto the tiny couch.

"I have a bed you know," I murmured even as I settled against him.

"Warm here," he mumbled into my neck. "Tired." And a few minutes later we both drifted to sleep. A few hours later I woke slowly; realizing with slight alarm that it was now dark outside. My whole body felt alive; invigorated. I realized sleepily that Carter's hand had slipped under my shirt as we slept; his rough fingers stroking the skin on my belly. The normal embarrassed flush never came and I allowed myself the rare luxury of just being touched. I closed my eyes and allowed the sensations to flow over my body freely. And for the first time in months I felt…incredibly turned on.

"I know you're awake," Carter said in a sleep roughened voice. His hand on my stomach stilled for a moment as he stretched and then resumed the slow stroking.

"I was just enjoying a rare moment of peace," I said softly.

"The moments are few and far between," he agreed quietly. "It seems like someone is always barging in on quiet moments." I knew he was referring to the kiss Sam had interrupted earlier. I turned carefully in his arms and brushed a piece of hair from his forehead. Our legs threaded together as our lips met tentatively. The kiss was slow and heated; perfection crammed into one moment. We kissed slowly, tenderly and his hands found their way into the back of my shirt, caressing the bare skin there reverently. He smiled against my lips.

"What?" I murmured trying to move closer. His whiskey eyes were dancing.

"I can't remember the last time I was so content," he admitted. I kissed him in answer. When his tongue traced my lips I opened them; our tongues touching for the first time. It was pure bliss and a shudder ran through my body; making me cling more tightly to Carter. It was slow and languid but it didn't lack passion. My body burned like a lit candle under his touch.

"Making out on the couch like teenagers," Leah's disapproving voice reached me through a haze of pleasure. Carter tried to move but I threaded my fingers through his hair and flipped Leah the bird with my free hand. I could hear both her and Embry chuckling and then her door closed.

"We should probably break this up," he said regretfully after a few more minutes. "I have patrol soon."

"What time are you done?" I asked. "Apparently Emily wants me over for tea." He stroked my back.

"Well Paul, Seth and I are supposed to run a perimeter so maybe three hours?" He suggested. I made a face but untangled our limbs and stood. He brushed his thumb over my bottom lip once before turning to leave.

"The front door is usually unlocked at night," I said quietly as the door closed but I knew he heard me. I decided to walk the mile to Emily and Sam's house rather than drive. I let myself in and Emily smiled when she saw me.

"Thank god it's you," she said with a grin. "Kim has been driving me absolutely nuts for months. I need real conversation that isn't about shoes!"

"Well I hate shoes," I said looking down at my beat up white sneakers before sitting in one of her cozy armchairs.

"Me too," Emily said wiggling her bare toes. We both giggled. "So give me some details on you and Carter."

"He's quite a wonderful guy," I said reaching for the mug of mint tea Emily had just poured. "I definitely wasn't expecting that."

"It does seem to come from unexpected places," Emily agreed. "But I am worried about you. Both of you really. You're still so fragile Bella."

"We're taking it extremely slowly," I said staring at the steam rising from my mug. "And I am cautiously optimistic."

"Good," she said. I could tell suddenly that this conversation had been the purpose of my visit. I thought sadly of how much I had allowed our relationship to disintegrate while I mourned Gabriel. There was a gaping space where once there had been easy affection and laughter. We sat awkwardly for about another half an hour before Sam appeared in the doorway.

"Have a good talk ladies?" He asked. As always he kissed the scars on Emily's face before dropping a tender kiss on her upturned lips. They practically glowed with love and it made my heart clench for a moment.

"I should get back to the house," I said standing slowly. "It's my night to make dinner."

"Thanks for coming Bella," Emily said softly. Her eyes told me that it would take time but we would get back to where we had been. I took the long way back to Leah's house and stopped dead as three wolves blocked my path. The silver one I knew was Paul and Seth was the light brown. Which made the deep blue black wolf Carter. The Paul-Wolf swung his head towards Leah's house.

"Yeah yeah yeah," I said. "I am on my way there." At Leah's house I could hear loud, pounding music and smirked before pulling out a few pounds of ground beef. To give them more time I decided to make a shepherd's pie. I was just pulling it out of the oven when they appeared.

"Is that dinner?" Leah asked practically glowing as Embry looped one arm around her shoulders.

"Dig in," I said. "Going to need the protein," I muttered as I cut myself a much smaller portion than theirs. Leah gave me a death glare.

"Hey you were the one making out on the couch," she shot back. I stuck my tongue out at her and we all laughed. I left the dishes for her and went to my room. I popped some earbuds in, blasting music just in case Leah and Embry decided to resume their activities right next door. I fell asleep halfway through my playlist.


	27. Let it Rain

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: Let it Rain**

_It's only half past the point of no return_

_The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn_

_The thunder before the lightning and the breath before the phrase_

_Have you ever felt this way?_

"_Glitter in the Air" by Pink_

I jumped when the earbuds came out of my ears. Carter held a finger to his lips and I relaxed as he stretched out next to me on the bed. I set my IPod aside and turned to face him. His hair was wet as though he had just showered and his skin gleamed in the dim light coming from the window.

"How did it go with Emily?" He asked quietly. I shrugged.

"She wanted to make sure we weren't jumping into anything," I answered at the same volume.

"Everyone is worried," he commented casually. "But sometimes I think they worry too much."

"About some things," I said. "Relationships and I don't typically work out too well."

"Is that what this is?" He asked turning to face me. He was so close his eyes looked almost molten amber. I lifted one shoulder and dropped it.

"I don't know what else to call it," I said softly. "I want to spend time with you."

"And I like spending time with you," he replied. "I just don't know how you handle all of the commentary about your romantic choices."

"Not well," I admitted. "I've never handled that part of it well."

"So what do we say when they bring it up?" He asked. I lifted one hand and ran it gently through his hair. His eyes closed at the light caress.

"It's no one else's business," I whispered. "Whatever happens with us belongs only to us." His eyes opened.

"I didn't handle things very well on patrol today," he admitted. "Paul kept thinking about…the two of you together and I lost it. Sam had to pull us apart."

"He was doing it to get a reaction from you," I said. His hand caught mine and pressed it flat against his chest. "We haven't been together like that in quite awhile and even then it was extremely brief."

"I was jealous," he confessed quietly. "Even though I didn't know if I had the right to be."

"There's nothing to be jealous of," I said. His hear beat steadily under my hand.

"I'm trying obviously horribly to be honest with you," he said. "I'm jealous of any man who has ever touched you." His confession made my heart beat just a little bit faster. What was this pull I felt towards this vibrant man? Was this me just trying to cling to someone or was it more?

"I'm not sure what to say to that," I said honestly.

"Don't say anything," he murmured before his lips covered mine. He released my hand and I slid it into his damp hair, pulling his lips more firmly to mine. We threaded our legs together as we kissed; our bodies pressing tightly together. There was more to this kiss than the ones we had shared previously. There was an edge; a raw naked need that both titillated and frightened me at the same time. We kissed until my lips felt swollen and aching before we reluctantly parted.

"You can stay," I offered quietly as he started to move away. "I'd like for you to stay," I amended.

"Do I get pancakes in the morning?" He asked. I heaved a sigh.

"Fine I can do that," I said with an exaggerated eye roll. He slipped under the comforter with me and I turned to use his outstretched arm as a pillow. After a minute's hesitation I felt him curve his arm around me; pressing me firmly into his neck. He smelled like fresh cut grass and salt water. There was safety in his embrace along with comfort, warmth and companionship.

"Go to sleep," he murmured without opening his eyes. A few minutes later I was lulled to sleep both by his warmth and his deep, even breathing. I woke up suddenly several hours later to the smell of something burning. Carter and I had shifted as we slept. He was now behind me and he had wrapped himself around me like a vine. I shoved his arm off and ran for the kitchen. Leah stood triumphantly over the trashcan, a huge pan protruding from the side even as smoke continued to pour through the kitchen. I disconnected the alarm before it could go off and rubbed my eyes sleepily. Embry's eyes bugged out slightly when I turned to face him.

"What?" I asked in irritation.

"Bella you're wearing underwear and a tiny shirt," Leah pointed out.

"What's going on?" Carter asked sleepily, appearing in just a pair of tight black boxer briefs. I looked down at my lacy black panties and bright blue Forks High shirt and let out a squeak. Both Leah and Embry's eyes bugged out.

"Leah burnt breakfast again," I said. "I need to get pants and you probably should too." I found a pair of shorts in my dresser as Carter pulled on his jeans from the previous night.

"Well I guess they know I slept here," he remarked.

"When did I lose my pajama pants?" I muttered digging through the covers. I found them twisted in the comforter near where my feet had been.

"I don't remember taking my jeans off," Carter said.

"Probably got too hot under the covers," I said. "Well Leah is going to give us a ton of shit."

"Not if you make blueberry pancakes," Carter said. "I pretty much forget my own name when you make those." He pressed a brief kiss to my lips before sauntering out of my bedroom. I shoved my feet into socks and then reappeared in the kitchen.

"Blueberry pancakes?" I asked the room at large. And Carter was right, Leah didn't say a word about Carter sleeping over as she happily stuffed her face with pancakes. She and Embry left me with the dishes to "go on patrol" which was code for go have sex in the woods somewhere. I never asked and never wanted to know.

"I haven't slept that good in awhile," Carter said as we washed the dishes.

"Me either," I admitted. He turned around and leaned into the counter as I dried the remaining dishes.

"I sometimes wonder a bit about what you think of all this," he said seriously.

"I'm not sure what to think," I admitted. "I feel like I am just constantly holding my breath waiting for something bad to happen like it always does but I feel too good to let go." He took the last dish from me, put it away and then turned to face me again.

"I wish you didn't have to feel that way," he said. "I wish there was something I could say to let you know that I'm not going anywhere." I sighed.

"I'm always going to be waiting for the metaphorical storm," I said. I lifted myself onto the counter. "Too much has happened to me to not think that way."

"And when we kill Victoria?" He asked moving to step between my legs. I tried to avoid his gaze but he caught my face between his hands and waited.

"After all of this is over it might be easier," I said. "I don't know. I've been in danger for so long that I don't know if I remember how to be an actual person rather than something to protect." His whiskey colored eyes were serious.

"You've always been an actual person to me," he said softly. I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes but I shook my head to clear them.

"We'll figure this out," I said. He nodded once and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. A loud whistle rang out and Carter turned his head to the door.

"The Cullens are here," he said.


	28. Decisions and Goodbyes

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: Decisions and Goodbyes**

_I really hate to let this moment go_

_Touching your skin and your hair falling slow_

_When a goodbye kiss feels like this_

_Don't you wanna stay here a little while?_

_Don't you wanna hold each other tight?_

_Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?_

"_Don't You Wanna Stay" by Jason Aldean featuring Kelly Clarkson_

"Damn Bella got hot!" Was the first words I heard from a Cullen again, Emmett naturally and the corner of my mouth turned up into a smile despite myself. I loud smack told me, without looking, that Rosalie had popped him one. I slipped my hand into Carter's, drawing a shocked inhale from pretty much everyone in the pack, but I needed the steadiness his presence would bring.

They looked the same, I don't know why that still surprised me. Time would leave them frozen as I continued to change and grow. They were beautiful but in an untouchable way; like a china doll on a high shelf when you are a child. Beautiful to look at but never yours to hold. Carter squeezed my hand gently as I finally raised my eyes to Edward's. He was still so beautiful that it hurt to look at him; messy bronze hair and lopsided smile.

"Hello Bella," he said softly. I nodded to him.

"Thank you for coming," I said to the group at large.

"If we had known you were in such danger," Alice began but Carlisle cut her off with a hard glare. She snapped her mouth closed.

"So what do we do?" I asked. "I just want this all to be over." Carlisle glanced at Jasper who looked more relaxed than I remembered.

"It's not going to be easy," Jasper answered. "Sources indicate that Victoria has approached the Volturi for help." I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I tasted blood.

"What does that mean?" I asked when I could find my voice.

"It means that even if they deny her they will become aware of you," Edward answered this time. "Which means what?" I asked patiently. His golden eyes met mine.

"It means that they will come here," he answered. "In thousands. Even with the entire wolf pack we won't be able to stand against them." I could feel my legs wobble slightly and Carter steadied me.

"How do we fix this?" I asked with as much strength as I could muster.

"You could run but there is always the risk that they will follow," Carlisle cut in. "At this point the only option would be to turn you." I sank weakly to my knees in the grass. One glance at Sam told me that he knew this would be the answer. His jaw was set; clenched. I could hear shouting break out but it was dim; in the background. Once I would have begged for this. I would have gladly decided on eternity if it meant more time with Edward. Why did this happen the second I might have something to live for.

"I'm taking her back," Carter's voice cut through my fog. Warm hands lifted me from the grass I let them guide me. I met his eyes and the entire future, what it could have been, rushed through me. My knees buckled slightly with the power these possibilities held. Children I would never have. Warmth I would never feel. "You're not doing this," Carter snapped when my eyes met his again. "You can run. We can run." I nodded in agreement even though I knew this wouldn't happen. I would never leave the pack exposed to the Volturi while I was safe somewhere else.

"Okay," I murmured hoping I sounded convincing. "We'll run." The second the front door closed hot lips covered mine. Hands slid into my hair and I answered the kiss with passion. Tomorrow I would be dead, or at least somewhere near there. Today I was alive. Today would be my last day to experience human emotion; human sensation. I pushed his shirt off impatiently and ran my fingers over his exposed chest. It was taut and smooth; hot under my fingertips.

"Slow down," he mumbled into my lips as he caught my hands between his. I shook my head.

"No," I snapped. "Please don't make me beg Carter. Please. I need this." I lifted my shirt over my head during the pause. His rough hands traced my body; answering my plea without words. My body ignited under his touch.

"Bedroom," he muttered as I tugged his jeans over his hips. He lifted me easily and kicked his jeans away from his feet. Our lips met again and again. We made it to the bedroom and he kicked the door closed. He set me on my feet and I shimmied out of my pants. I wished suddenly that I hadn't taken so long to become normal again. I could have been spending all of this time touching him and tasting him. Instead I had only now; just this once to soak him in. He pressed me to the bed with his weight and my skin thrummed with desire.

"More," I demanded as his thumbs rubbed over my nipples. He bent his dark head and my back arched at the touch of his tongue on my nipple. I wanted to bathe in these sensations; commit them to memory even though I knew I would eventually forget them in my vampire life. I heard a rustling and Carter emerged holding a condom. I didn't want it. I just wanted to him. I shook my head.

"Are you sure?" He whispered. I nodded.

"Birth control," I invented on the spot even though I hadn't been on birth control in years. He moved to hover over me again. I closed my eyes in bliss as he slowly filled me. It had been so long, too long really but my body remembered how to stretch to accommodate him. He filled me slowly; his eyes never leaving mine. I closed my eyes when he started to move, focused on the feelings and sounds even as my body hummed in pleasure. My first orgasm came from nowhere and I cried out in surprise, my eyes flying open in shock. Carter's eyes were amused and he nuzzled my neck affectionately.

"More to come," he promised huskily. He was true to his word, his body coaxing three more orgasms from mine before he finally exploded inside of me. His hoarse exclamation of pleasure make tears prick my eyes. I wished again that we had more time together even as our bodies still shook with pleasure. I pressed a finger to his lips when he opened his mouth to talk.

"We'll figure it out later," I said. His eyes closed and he nodded. When he was deeply asleep I slipped from bed. I showered quickly and braided my hair before slipping on the closest pair of jeans and a shirt. Leah, thankfully, was nowhere to be found. I found my phone and tapped a quick text message to Carlisle. The key to this working was speed. If I got to my car quickly enough no one could stop me. I grabbed the keys from the counter and made my way quietly, barefoot, to my car. It started up easily and I turned the lights on. As I pulled out the lights fell on Carter's shocked face in the doorway.

"Bella no!" He shouted. I slammed the car into gear and gunned it. In the end he was no match for my car and he was forced to stop at the boundary line as I sped for the Cullen house, tears obscuring my vision almost to the point of blindness.


	29. The End in the Beginning

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: The End in the Beginning**

_Hello, good morning, how you been?_

_Yesterday, left my head kicked in_

_I never, never thought that_

_I would fall like that_

_Never knew that I could hurt this bad._

"_Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot_

"Sam won't let the pack follow me," I assured Carlisle when he anxiously opened the car door for me.

"He knows this is the only way," Edward said from the doorway. He looked at me with hope.

"I didn't come here for you," I told him directly. He nodded once.

"We can't change her here," Rosalie said from the couch. She looked uncharacteristically troubled.

"We need to take her to the Volturi," Carlisle said. "Otherwise they might see this act as mutiny and kill all of us anyway."

"As long as they leave the pack alone I don't care what happens," I said listlessly. I was surprised when Rosalie rose and placed an almost motherly arm around me.

"We'll figure it all out," she said soothingly. And that was how, some 36 hours later, I came to be standing in a grand hall in front of the Volturi members. When I saw Victoria among them I clenched Rosalie's hand for strength. The one called Aro reached for my hand and I let him grasp it, as I had been instructed by Carlisle. His red eyes widened in his paper thin white face and he smiled. The effect only made him look more sinister I decided.

"You have brought me a shield brother," he said to Carlisle. His eyes drifted to Victoria who seemed to be barely maintaining her rage. "You neglected to tell me of her powers Victoria."

"I didn't know she had any," Victoria replied. "She's only a human." Aro's eyes returned to my face.

"She is quite beautiful as well," he mused. "And as an immortal her gift would only grow." Victoria stepped forward.

"You promised me she would be destroyed," she snapped. "That was the deal when I surrendered my newborn army to you. She and those wolves would be destroyed."

"Do what you want to me," I blurted out. "But leave them alone. I will do anything you ask just leave them out of it." Aro rubbed his chin with two fingers.

"An intriguing offer Isabella," he mused. "You would join our ranks? Become a part of our organization in exchange for their lives?" I lifted my chin.

"Yes," I said brazenly. I heard Rosalie's gasp and I heard Emmett murmuring to calm her down.

"And what would you have us do with dear Victoria here?" Aro asked. I could feel the rage build up inside of me at the thought of all her vendetta had cost me.

"Burn her," I said. "Burn her and I will never leave here. I will be on your side as long as you need me to be." I could see Aro exchanging glances with the other vampires in the room, especially the two seated in thrones directly behind him. At Aro's nod two guards moved forward and grabbed Victoria who couldn't even struggle against them. There was a striking noise and Aro stretched his hand out to me, passing me the match.

"You do it Isabella," he said. I took the match impassively and moved to stand over a listless Victoria. She raised enraged red eyes to mine.

"This is for Gabriel, and for Ray and for Amber and Claire," I said quietly. "And the life you have now deprived me of living." A minute later she was a pile of ash. I took a few steps back and fell to my knees. I couldn't stop the sobs rising up from my throat.

"It's over," a small feminine voice said to me. I looked up into the face of an angelic blonde with deep burgundy eyes. She helped me to my feet. The Cullens seemed shocked and I knew at once that this was the deadly Jane described to me by Carlisle. She could burn you with pain so intense you wanted to die.

"Carlisle you and your family may stay here for the night but in the morning you must leave," Aro said. "Isabella will stay in the east wing I think Jane if you wanted to show her to her room." I followed Jane without a backward glance at the Cullens.

"Will I be changed tonight?" I asked Jane. She nodded.

"Aro will not want to waste any time," she said solemnly. I nodded as if I understood which I didn't.

"So he will be the one to…change me?" I asked as she stopped in front of a large stone door. Jane pushed the door open.

"He will probably send someone else," she said. "He doesn't change many of us anymore. He doesn't have the patience. Someone should be here shortly so I would prepare yourself."

"I'm not afraid to die," I told her. She stopped at the door. "I died inside a long time ago." She continued through the door and closed it. I sank onto the bed. It was soft and plush but I barely noticed. My human life was at an end but what had I really done? I had spent years being hunted and allowing my life to be controlled by others. And now my afterlife would be controlled by others as well. But at least I could have several lifetimes to get it right. A soft knock made me look up.

"It's open," I said. A tall, blonde vampire slipped through and closed the door behind him. He was extremely good looking, as all vampires tended to be, with curly hair and a wiry build.

"I'm Damien," he said in softly accented English. "Aro has sent me to you. The process is very painful but I shall try to make it as swift as possible. It is important to remember not to fight the burning and to call out if you need to. There is no shame in this."

"I know what to expect," I said. "Just do it." He moved to sit next to me on the bed and swept my hair aside to expose my neck.

"I am used to resistance," he murmured. "This is a rather pleasant change in pace for me." I closed my eyes as razor sharp teeth sliced into my neck. There was a sharp pain followed by a curious sensation of tugging as he pulled several mouthfuls of my blood into his mouth. Then the burning came. Nothing I had been told could have prepared me for the assault on my body. I could feel Damien moving around my body, his mouth pushing venom into several major arteries; intensifying the burn.

Everything became a blur in the burn. All I could feel was the pain. There were voices but I couldn't articulate what they said or where they came from. Hands moved me and adjusted me even as the inferno inside of me raged on. I started counting to keep my mind off of the pain. At 239,456 the flames started to recede. At 242,003 my heart stopped. Images filled my mind one right after the other so quickly I could barely register them.

_My mom laughing. Charlie cleaning his gun. Edward smiling down at me in the meadow. Edward walking away from me in the woods. Charlie's worried face hovering over mine. Jake's warm embrace the day I brought him the motorcycles. Jake's warm kiss. Dancing with Jake at Kim's wedding. Paul kissing me. Paul dancing with some slut in the club. Ray laughing as I tried to fill the copy machine. Gabriel poised over me in bed, sweat shining on his forehead, teeth gritted. Gabriel dead next to me in bed. Leah burning eggs. Carlisle inserting an IV. Then Carter on his knees in front of me. Carter hovering above me in bed. Carter's betrayed face as I sped off in a car. _

_God make me a bird so I can fly away from all of this_, I thought. _All I ever wanted was to escape from everything_. Then, to my shock and horror, I felt my quiet heart beat. Slowly at first, still too slowly, but it beat. The only thought I had as my heart beat sluggishly in my chest were lyrics to a song: "And I am done with my graceless heart. Tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart. Cause I like to keep my issues drawn. It's always darkest before the dawn."

AUTHOR NOTE: So that is all folks, at least for this story. I will be back shortly with new material and mayhaps a sequel?


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